Reminiscence

2011-02-05T20:39:00.002+08:00

Midaq Alley by Naguid Mahfouz

"With all those who reach his state of confusion and promiscuity, prudence and intuition are likely to vanish"

"Hussainy was astonished at his insolent stubbornness and asked weakly, "Doesn't your lust for this filthy conduct make you ashamed?"

2011-01-31T00:47:00.002+08:00

All About My Mother by Pedro Almodovar

"Women will do anything to avoid being alone"

The Driver's Seat by Muriel Spark

"most of the time, afterwards is pretty sad" - women who casually sleep around fear this 'afterwards' the most; the sense of emptiness that cannot be filled.

2011-01-12T17:24:00.007+08:00

Disgrace by J.M. Coetzee

"if I was you I'd be very ashamed of myself"

"Am I allowed to tell you how stupid it looks? ... I will anyway. Stupid, and ugly too. I don't know what you do about sex and I don't want to know, but this is not the way to go about it."

"That is what whores are for, after all: to put up with the ecstasies of the unlovely."

'An inglorious end to your career, don't you think? I won't ask if what you got from this girl was worth the price.'

'...it's all very demeaning. Really.'

`...The whole thing is disgraceful from beginning to end. Disgraceful and vulgar too.'

2010-11-07T00:15:00.000+08:00

struggling between disgust and being kind

2010-10-19T19:55:00.003+08:00

"[A] major theme of [Morrison's] novels is the need for balance or wholeness. These qualities may be acquired by the characters in the novels only through an act that is analogous to one involved in the creation of art-an act of the imagination which comes from a willingness to see the world as others see it" (229).

As Tirrell concludes, "Without at least a minimally articulated notion of one's place in the community, one cannot be a moral agent" (124)

the importance of perception-"the ability to
discern, acutely and responsively, the salient features of one's particular situation"

"Moral knowledge ... is not simply intellectual grasp of propositions; it is not even simply intellectual grasp of particular facts; it is perception. It is seeing a complex, concrete reality in a highly lucid and richly responsive way; it is taking in what is there, with imagination and [intuitive, I might add] feeling" (152).

A Various Season

2010-10-12T19:06:00.016+08:00

"Weekdays for you and weekends for him." (Polotan 179)

"'the dirtiest deal possible, Lourdes,' Red was saying, 'to be used by someone's unhappy wife'" (Polotan 187)

"The punishing flesh, the paroxysms, the engulfing pleasure that ended in long excruciating sobs - 'Leave all that alone, Red,' she said now, let love go when it must, Lourdes thought, but stay the mutilation" (Polotan 189)

Fact or Fiction?

2010-10-05T17:18:00.007+08:00

"is put in the perverse position of acting as the object of the jouissance of the Other. One is overcome with guilt and fear for what one takes as one's responsibility for a wrong one knows oneself's committed but doesn’t comprehend. One's desire becomes immersed in an overwhelming, persecutory jouissance, marked by a “sticky-sweet, vomity”
sensation, the signifier of one's seducer’s obscene enjoyment."

"the Other’s demand/desire determines the answer of the object and thereby deprives one of response and protection...complicity with the Other, as a child, causes one's rejection of speech as an adult, leaving one in an impossible conflict between mute
guilt and rebellion against the law. One's forced choice of a choice the Other has already made for oneself deprives one of choice, of freedom, and makes one an unwilling active participant in the injustice"

2010-09-11T14:46:00.006+08:00

"choking disgust. There was nothing lower she could do, nothing filthier" (113)

then

"Mr. Finley sat on his porch sucking chicken bones, as he had done for thirteen years, looked up, saw Sula, choked on a bone and died on the spot" (114) - LOL...

"About who was good. How you know it was you? I mean maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was me." (146)

"Thinking how much I have cost her and never remember the days when we were two throats and one eye and we had no price" (147)

2010-09-07T13:43:00.002+08:00

nothing is so strong as true gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength

what becomes the norm is dismissed/taken for granted; only what's out of the norm is remembered

2010-09-01T23:01:00.008+08:00

"It's easier to see hurtful words and actions as evidence of inherent character flaws than as results of emotional turmoil and upheaval. People always find it very difficult to believe that anyone can feel more intense feelings than themselves. Self-centered? Everyone's self-centered. Just a difference of who admits it to themselves and whether they do it in all situations; and difference in the willingness to curb such instincts. Some people thrive on pointing out how selfishly others have treated them, and fail to see their own self-centered desires to receive selfless gifts from others." - annonymous

Probably being pampered/cloistered results in one adopting the mentality that one can go scott free even after committing some terrible mistakes by not only adopting a goody exterior image, but also through tears and a whimpering voice. This is even more so because no one has really stood up and undone that person before. With constant sympathy, that misguidedness develops into a dogged insistence, or self-delusion, that one is always right, spurring a vengeful action that transfers the fault from one to the other.

People are not inherently bad, they are just affected by circumstances.
The day I embrace this quote totally is the day I forgive the other and move on.

Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from bad decisions.

2010-08-24T23:35:00.022+08:00

It's amazing how human behaviour can be so similar across all sexes at certain points. It is the norm for another to feel embarrassed and fear that other people will think they're making the person (who's crying in front of them) cry, and hence appear to be unfeeling and pretend to not be involved in it. I bet at that very moment she was in my shoes, whether she realized it or not, and might soon understand a little of where I was coming from. It's a mixture of not knowing how to react, and disbelief at the state of the person in front of you; it's totally separate from loving or hating a person. Slowly, truths about human behaviour will be revealed. Realization will set in when the other does the very same thing that he/she has seen me do. It's interesting how we all want to avoid humiliation (from just about anyone, even strangers). It's interesting how we all pretend like we're not thinking/suffering when we actually are. It's interesting why we do the things we do sometimes, and think of another reason to back our actions or deny ourselves. It's interesting how we're all just... human.

I have to work hard. It ain't easy seeing someone you once loved and having to treat them only as a friend; it's only human to feel this way. Since she has made up her mind, I would like to work toward a stage where I can not only treat her like a friend, but also talk about the past with her without evoking an emotional storm. Forgive, and not forget her; forgive, and forget our mistakes.

I cried so hard when I read this story. Turn off the music, it'll interfere with your absorption of content:

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. (I wish I could ask for a month's normal life before we parted as well)

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. (at this point I thought to myself: outsiders really know/feel nothing.)

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. The small moments of happiness and the little meaningful times are what keep people together till the end. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

2010-08-11T04:24:00.004+08:00

This meaningful quote was one of my friend's msn nick: love is friendship set on fire.

The missing thing has to be a certain event that SPARKS off the chemistry. Lol just some crap I thought about when I saw the nick. Nite nite!

2010-08-09T18:23:00.002+08:00

New nice song by eminem, though his lyrics are a tad aggressive. It is however, balanced out by Rihanna's lovely chorus.

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight
High of a love
Drunk from the hate
It's like I'm huffing paint
And I love it the more that I suffer
I suffocate
And right before im about to drown
She resuscitates me
She fucking hates me
And I love it
Wait
Where you going
I'm leaving you
No you ain't
Come back
We're running right back
Here we go again
It's so insane
Cause when it's going good
It's going great
I'm Superman
With the wind in his bag
She's Lois Lane
But when it's bad
It's awful
I feel so ashamed
I snap
Who's that dude
I don't even know his name
I laid hands on her
I'll never stoop so low again
I guess I don't know my own strength

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

You ever love somebody so much
You can barely breathe
When you're with them
You meet
And neither one of you
Even know what hit 'em
Got that warm fuzzy feeling
Yeah them chills
Used to get 'em
Now you're getting fucking sick
Of looking at 'em
You swore you've never hit 'em
Never do nothing to hurt 'em
Now you're in each other's face
Spewing venom
And these words
When you spit 'em
You push
Pull each other's hair
Scratch, claw, bit 'em
Throw 'em down
Pin 'em
So lost in the moments
When you're in 'em
It's the rage that took over
It controls you both
So they say it's best
To go your separate ways
Guess that they don't know ya
Cause today
That was yesterday
Yesterday is over
It's a different day
Sound like broken records
Playin' over
But you promised her
Next time you'll show restraint
You don't get another chance
Life is no Nintendo game
But you lied again
Now you get to watch her leave
Out the window
Guess that's why they call it window pane(pain)

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

Now I know we said things
Did things
That we didn't mean
And we fall back
Into the same patterns
Same routine
But your temper's just as bad
As mine is
You're the same as me
But when it comes to love
You're just as blinded
Baby please come back
It wasn't you
Baby it was me
Maybe our relationship
Isn't as crazy as it seems
Maybe that's what happens
When a tornado meets a volcano
All I know is
I love you too much
To walk away though
Come inside
Pick up your bags off the sidewalk
Don't you hear sincerity
In my voice when I talk
Told you this is my fault
Look me in the eyeball
Next time I'm pissed
I'll aim my fist
At the dry wall
Next time
There will be no next time
I apologize
Even though I know it's lies
I'm tired of the games
I just want her back
I know I'm a liar
If she ever tries to fucking leave again
I'mma tie her to the bed
And set the house on fire

Just gonna stand there
And watch me burn
But that's alright
Because I like
The way it hurts
Just gonna stand there
And hear me cry
But that's alright
Because I love
The way you lie
I love the way you lie
I love the way you lie

2010-08-08T23:11:00.018+08:00

Dearest Reader,

Megabats constitute the suborder Megachiroptera, family Pteropodidae of the order Chiroptera (bats). They are also called fruit bats, old world fruit bats, or flying foxes.

The megabat, contrary to its name, is not always large: the smallest species is 6 centimeters (2.4 inches) long and thus smaller than some microbats. The largest reach 40 cm (16 inches) in length and attain a wingspan of 150 cm (5 feet), weighing in at nearly 1 kg (2.2 pounds). Most fruit bats have large eyes, allowing them to orient visually in the twilight of dusk and inside caves and forests.

Their sense of smell is excellent. In contrast to the microbats, the fruit bats do not, as a rule, use echolocation (with one exception, the Egyptian fruit bat Rousettus egyptiacus, which uses high-pitched clicks to navigate in caves).

Lol this is interesting! I never knew there's such things called MEGABAT and microbat.
Listening to a youtube vid that she sent, I shall attempt to describe the feeling/emotion accompanying the music. Though the title is Dance of Death, I doubt the idea to be conveyed is a dismal one. In fact, it's supposed to be tantalizing (almost hide and seek+waltz like, aka tom and jerry), dangerous, intriguing, with a touch of mischievous hesitation, exactly what a personification of death would be like. There is a little hint of never-ending chaos and toil as with death scrambling to catch a target. The other emotions I get can be expressed via these words: quirky, fidgety, impish optimism, especially with the clicky beats that almost sound like cwab pincers clippin with an evil, cheeky grin! There is also temptation, and sudden surges of grandeur (almost as if the chase escalates) as the music rises sharply at certain points, then falls back to subtle, subdued hesitation, waiting to pounce. Also, the initial feeling of grandeur and succession is quickly overriden by the comical image of skeletons dancing about flashing cheeky grins with no teeth and clicking their bones together. The overall feel I get is not so much creepiness as of an intriguing optimism on a meaningful(to know death and accept it is to be enlightened), impishly magical journey/chase. It's almost as if death is trying to catch a cheeky person fluttering away from it, and at the end we get a sad, soft tune that almost hints at death's succession. However, the last few seconds give a cheeky twist to the sadness, almost as if death hasn't won yet, or that death isn't such a bad thing after all, or that things are not over yet and it's to be continued, like in movies. I'm sure there's more to it, but at 3.10am with a headache, I don't feel like interpreting further.

With Love,
Megabat

2010-08-08T00:56:00.002+08:00

"I honestly wonder, how do you even live with your hypocritical self and fall asleep at night? How do you convince yourself that despite all the shit that you do, you are in the right?"
Angsty person on facebook, yet what the person says has some truth in it. Gotta love the little truisms that pop up now and then.

2010-08-07T12:58:00.006+08:00

Almost no one gives good advice anymore, because to give good advice is to be unfeeling and impartial. Being biased hinders the truth and denies good advice. I know when someone is just trying to make me feel better, because it doesn't represent what is right or wrong. After awhile we fall back on our own feelings, and some might wake up; some will stubbornly continue to be oblivious.

2010-08-06T04:29:00.008+08:00

Inception was awesome! The director thought big, but left some gaps (intentionally?) for the audience to fill in on their own. The pace was fast and the conversation was fraught with rapid intellectual exchange. To fully decipher it would require a second watching, but I'm not so keen. My friend introduced me to two romance movies: PS I Love You, and Love Me If You Dare. Gonna watch them soon!

Inception made me cry. Mal and Leo's relationship was so sad. She mentioned that he had a dream about marrying her. However, dreams weren't enough for him, and the impactful sentence "You're just not good enough" hit me. He couldn't let her go, and his projection of her equally wanted him back dearly. In certain aspects, all this seemed very close at heart, and it was just so touching! I wanted to see more of him and Mal, however the movie had to focus on other areas as well. Man, this sure gives me ideas... a whole new movie could just be made based on Mal and Leo's relationship!

Came across an old lady selling random stuffs on the roadside at orchard at 10.30pm, an absurd timing. There was even Maggie Mee. There were some lame bags for sale, of which cost $26 each(totally not worth that much)!! What's more, each packet of tissue cost $2. While the assortment of stuffs she had clearly showed she was either one of the higher-grade beggars, or someone who just wanted to earn a living at an old age, the exorbitant prices didn't seem to match up with the heinous look she gave us when we reconfirmed if ONE PACKET of tissue was $2. We thought it meant a whole stack of 5 tissue packets! The old lady's look was clearly that of "You trying to expose me is it? As if I don't know it is over priced. Stop asking and just buy it lah." A look of guilt mixed with desperate selfishness. I've seen much more sincere beggars who offer to sell 2-5 tissue packets for $1, and even thank you after that. This old lady never even said a word of thanks, and was even slyly coaxing us to buy her bags. Do not be mistaken, this has nothing to do with money; it boils down to the behaviour of the old lady. Respect, as well as trust, is earned by proper etiquette/behaviour. That beggar didn't earn my respect, and never will. When we parted, she asked me to sms her when I reached home. I didn't expect that and was so touched.

She said she slept hugging rolly last night! I smiled with a warm feeling. It seems like it was only yesterday that I gave that stuff-toy to her. I loved that stuff-toy very much - it was so cute! It reminds me of HL104's "I Love To You" by Laura Mulvey(?) or someone else I forgot. I'm about to sleep soon with the piyo beside me as usual too!

Lovely song I came across:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=imoxccKh_HY

2010-08-05T01:08:00.024+08:00

People have varied perceptions toward the art of love making. I may sound biased, but science-people tend to view it from the biological perspective. They will go about telling you how the sword enters the sheath in logical, scientific terms gotten from textbooks. They will tell you that there is only the orgasm and nothing else. They will consider it a bolster to their manhood/manliness if they've slept with a girl before. This is where refinement separates the superficial, narrow-minded people from the spiritual and intuitive ones.

The reason I even use the word making love is due to the utter sacredness and spirituality the term entails. Yes, I may crack dirty jokes, but when doing it with someone I love, I consider it the ultimate form of connecting two people spiritually. With eyes closed (forgive me if it gets a bit graphic/cheesy), one transcends the physical pleasure, moving into the spiritual realm of being whole/one with the other. The true art of love making will result in one calling out the other's name, embracing the entirety of the other person in one's mind, escalating to new heights together as one.

We always say making love 'TO' someone. We say having sex 'WITH' someone. When you make love to another person, you want to transfer the love you feel to another, because you cannot contain it any longer(yes yes I know what 'cannot hold it any longer' entails lah -.-). You want to share and make the other feel what you feel. Passion. Making love to someone is showing someone how one feels about him/her or appreciates him/her. Making love TO someone is about pleasing him/her first before anything else. Selflessness balanced with selfishness presents us with a give and take scenario, where things come naturally and neither wants purely to satisfy his/her carnal desires.

Don't ask me how I even got inspired to write this post LOL; all I can say is that the first paragraph has major contribution to my inspiration. Porn and whatever has long been something sordid and meaningless to me. It disgusts me to want to watch something sacred about another without knowing/loving that other person (of course I'm not disgusted by people who watch porn la. It's ok to be curious, or if they just purely want some stimulation to aid them in satisfying their desires. I'm just saying that I'm desensitized to such stuff.) Perhaps that's why I can remain loyal to the one I love, because if you even ask me to talk to random strangers or people from another country in an affectionate manner, I will feel very awkward. If people can say 'yea right' to this post, it means they don't really know me. I don't care what people think of me/bitch about me. As long as I know I have done nothing wrong or have not initiated anything wrong or unfair, I will have no regrets.

2010-08-02T22:21:00.012+08:00

Some people have an intense want to show that they know a lot. Some people have a need to say everything that's on their minds. What I feel is that knowledge can be attained by anyone. Wisdom however is something that is either yours, or it isn't. Do I call myself an introvert? I've come to see that talking doesn't really do the trick. Words often don't get to people who are stubborn, people who are too caught up in fact and logic, people who are so full of themselves, or people in self-denial. Words hurt unintentionally, can be misunderstood. Some people call my style of living superficial. To even address that as superficial IS being superficial. You think I've not come across logic? I've seen it and let me tell you there's nothing special about it. There's no need to be proud of being a logical person, only if you once lacked the logical faculty that much. To live life my way is to be simple, to be subdued, and to take things as they come. I don't request a lot, and I'm happy with what I have. I'm aware however of my inability to be blinded by love, and that sucks. And you come and question me about what's wrong with logic? I was too logical in the past. It brought nothing but unintentional harm to others. I can say I'm turned off by human behaviour, including my own.

Some say that if you don't knock cow sense into people, they won't wake up and realize their mistakes. I prefer from now on to let them realize it on their own. I choose to believe that somewhere in the later part of their lives they will realize it, but you tell me they won't. I cannot disagree; some people just lack that special thing called intuition. It doesn't mean if I don't talk much that I have nothing to say. It just means that I find no point in talking at times, because words ain't enough.

Meaningful quote my friend shared with me:
"Either selfishness or selflessness will destroy a person. If a soul is too selfish, thinking only of personal ends and desires, and should one live long enough, none will support him/her and many will try to tear him/her down. To survive, one must become so strong and so heartless that neither love nor affection could or would desire to reach such a person. And in the end, such a being is no longer a person, but a soulless machine.

A person who is too selfless is blown hither and yon in the gusts of others' needs, for there are always more needs than even the most charitable of humans can adress. Should a person be strong enough to address the most worthy and pressing of needs, then he/she will either bleed to death from the demands upon him/her or lose all warmth in a mechanical quest to to fulfill the world's needs. Then he/she becomes so selfless that he/she, too, is no more than a selfish soul in the quest of selflessness.

Thus, a person who would live a meaninful life must always struggle between selfishness and selflessness, always questioning. When one gives up the struggle, one allows others to determine the meaning of one's life. One may not even be aware that one has relinquished the struggle, for those others may indeed represent a belief in something one finds better and higher, and one will follow their simple rules with great relief. They may be the rules of religions, races and ethnicities. Yet we observe that most humans who give up that struggle question why life has no meaning, especially when troubles befall them."

2010-07-31T11:59:00.002+08:00

Blogging is a form of communication. Of course there are other mediums, like gmail, of which someone is on right at this time I'm typing this post. If I stop blogging one day, it can only mean a few things, of which I won't tell u! It's not hard to guess anyway. Tuition starts soon!

2010-07-31T01:20:00.002+08:00

KFC cheesy meltz, cheese fries, whipped potato, coleslaw, 7UP, Flaming chilli chicken wings, and hazelnut ice cream after that for supper is damn imba!

2010-07-30T19:58:00.002+08:00

time flies... I just did tuition last saturday and tmr I'm gona have to teach again O_O. Ridiculous... the past week's almost like a dream. Why time passes so fast?! gona school reopen soon...

2010-07-29T02:27:00.004+08:00

How do we battle hatred? A question: If we stood before our enemy, how would we react? I have no idea what I would do... I don't make any enemies. To have an enemy is to have a prolonged hatred for something, and I find that silly, immature, and superficial. I have come to believe that it is impossible for hatred to not exist. What we can do is perhaps lighten the intensity and duration of it. For me, any hate I experience does not last long, because I choose to be simple. I choose to forgive and forget. I tell myself, that there is no end to perpetuating the cycle of hatred, so let it come and go without much fuss, without asking why. We'd all be much happier people that way, if we could minimize prolonged hatred for others.

Naruto anime points this out: words of forgiveness come easy, love does not. I guess this refers to loving one's enemy. I don't believe it can't be done. The secret lies in giving in, even though it makes one seem weak and soft-hearted. I want to believe that some people have actually truly forgiven their enemies, just that their dignity prevents them from admitting that they have; they want to put up a tough exterior to demonstrate their cause... but to what ends? Why keep up that hostility? I can't see a point, and I never will. Perhaps it's a fear of rejection, of disapproval or rebuttal. Perhaps it's a sense of guilt as well - guilt of even partaking in the cycle of hatred - that prevents one party from extending his/her hand to the other and say "I have forgiven you and I love you, my enemy (-.-)". It is a subconscious fear that doing so is degradable, and hence our pride perpetuates the rift. There will always be hatred in this world, partly because not many have the refinement to subdue their own hatred. The fact that one even has to subdue it shows how intrinsic hatred is as an emotion in our lives. To live and love is to risk experiencing hatred. Perhaps the key to being a peacemaker lies in not forgetting that little child within us(for girls, no, it does not mean you have to be pregnant. Ok bad joke.)

2010-07-27T15:07:00.002+08:00

holy cow, priya helped me register ALL the lit mods! the science mod is on waitlist OMGGG. ROX LA!!!!!!!!!!! Oh but my science mod got put as a UE!!! Die la... must reclassify but I don't know how! Maybe a vanilla sweet might help.

Continuation of 1900

2010-07-27T01:39:00.008+08:00

I gamed abit and paused the movie 1900 for awhile. Now on resuming, it seems this talent 1900 saw a girl one day on the ship, and played the most romantic, tear-jerking piece of music ever while looking at her. He was in love. He tried to reach her. He went to the women's bunk to look at her, admiring her, and leant down for a kiss. He was just like a little boy, inexperienced, shy, fearful; that's when love's the most interesting and adventurous. They had to part, and the only thing she gave him was her address. Finally, 1900 decided to leave the ship in search of her. When his best friend said goodbye, this sentence hit me: "How many people have I seen saying goodbye without giving a damn? But when I said goodbye to 1900, it was a real blow. We laughed, we kept saying see you soon, but inside we both knew we'd never see each other again." Sigh... damn sad sia... people all just made use of him to get beautiful music and sell it to earn money. He needed to get off that superficial ship! Departures are always sad... we lapse into denial that this isn't the last time we'll be seeing each other, but what's the reality?

Another sentence that caught me came when 1900 was almost about to step on land, but he didn't. He paused and surveyed the mechanization of the city, the pollution clouds, and went back onto the ship: "He was strange for a long time after that. He wouldn't talk to anyone. He preferred to keep it to himself for days and days. He seemed taken by very personal matters." This, reminds me of her... especially when the narrator continues to tell us that one day 1900 suddenly was all cheerful again and thanked him for the cloak, saying "I'm much better now, I'm done with all that". The next scene shows 1900 back to playing the piano passionately, as if nothing had happened before. What a bizzare fellow! He seems so in touch with the finer side of human nature that he's all innocent and pure, not caught up by rules or war or arguments. However, he's always silent, emo, pensive and eccentric :/ Around 15minutes before the end of the movie, 1900 said this about the city: "I just couldn't see an end to it." He refused to get famous by spreading his music around because firstly, he believes his music goes where he goes. Secondly, he thinks fame and fortune only brings out the negative side in people. He elaborates this at 1.47 of the movie: "It's not what I saw Max... it's what I didn't see... With all that sprawling city there was everything except an end."

Next is an inspiring long talk which tells us that we must believe in ourselves and not be narrow minded: "There are only 88 keys on a piano...They are not infinite. You are infinite. And on those keys the music that you can make is infinite. That I can live by.... How do you even choose one woman... one house... all that world weighing down on you, you don't even know where it comes to an end... I was born on this ship, and the world passed me by 2000 people at a time. I played out a happiness but on a piano that was not infinite. I learned to live that way. Land? Land is a ship too big for me. Is a woman too beautiful for me... at best, I can step off my life. After all I don't exist for anyone, with you as an exception. You're the only one who knows I'm here." At this point Max is breaking down in tears coz 1900 won't get off the ship, and will perish because the ship is going to be destroyed and blown up. The next shot starts with a bottom-up view of 1900 standing tall, then max walks in, and they embrace. I think the purpose of this is to show how they triumph over the world... how great the two of them are such that the everyone must look up to them. 1900 played a song on an imaginary piano before the ship blew up. The last lines that were said by the shop owner that Max was telling his story to were: "a good story's worth more than an old trumpet." This is an amazingly moving and meaningful movie!! One of the above phrases brings a thought to my mind: Sometimes it's not what people do, but what they don't do, that's worrying.

Well then!! I have a good story too! But I won't tell it to you bleah :P

peaceful

2010-07-26T18:06:00.012+08:00

beautiful sentence from the movie 1900, rated 9/10 by ppfilm: "I think land people waste alot of time wondering why... meant to come and it'll come... wait for summer, summer comes and we dread for winter. That's why we never tire of travelling, with chasing someplace faraway where it's always summer. Doesnt sound like a good bet to me."

This was said by the pianist who was born on a ship and never set food on land for 27 years, when his friend asked him to try getting off board for at least once. That friend said the world was waiting for him, that he could make big bucks and find a wife. The pianist's answer above makes me feel at peace with everything. He gives me the feeling that he likes staying on the ship and playing music for others to hear while his mind travels to all the places he's visited but never set foot on. He stays, and never leaves. Why force and rush things? Sometimes there's no need to ask why. Sometimes things just happen. This led me to do a little self-reflection, and I realized I asked why too much as well. Ok then! Inspired by this movie at 43minutes into it, I shall live life as it comes!

At 51 minutes, 1900 is playing music on the piano based on inspiration. He looks at people and plays the music that suits them, telling his friend: "can't you hear his music? That guy looks like he cant forget everything. Listen to his music. It's like he's bursting with memories and there's nothing he can do about it." Incredible.. I love this movie man, it's so meaningful. At 54minutes, 1900 makes a phone call to an anonymous lady, asking to talk about anything. She was offended and slammed down the phone. Poor guy... he's lonely and I really empathize with him. Let's see what's next!

Someone challenges 1900 to a piano duel, and that rich guy is flaunting away in front of the reporters, claiming he would thrash 1900 flat. 1900's friend asked him if he was scared. 1900 replied: "I don't know. Why duel? What happens when you have a duel?" Omg he's what I call enlightened man. The commentator said about the new guy: "He did not play, he carressed those notes. He sounded like a silk slip sliding down a woman's body; his hands were butterflies... Oh did he learn to stroke the keyboard in those whorehouses. People doing the deed upstairs didn't want any uproar. They wanted music that would slip behind the curtains and underneath the beds without disturbing the passion. That's the kind of music he was playing, and in that he truly was the best." Wow, 1900 sure has a rival! But what's more interesting is the sexual way they describe the playing of piano LOL!

Wow after the new guy did an amazing jazz performance, 1900 played a jazz version of 'silent night', and everyone was laughing at him and criticizing him. Only a few people saw the real talent in him. He doesnt need to win just by playing another jazz song better. He wins with his enlightened mind that isn't confined by boundaries or restricted to narrow perceptions! WOw the third piece of music the new guy played was fraught with rapid notes and impulsive feelings. He was crying at the end of the piece, and I could almost feel like it was his life story filled with ups and downs banged out on the keys, a venting of frustration. Let's see what 1900 plays next. OMG. 1900 said "u asked for it asshole", and really started getting serious! He played as if 2 people were playing at the same time... until he was sweating. Amazing... I'm shivering at the music man.

2010-07-26T04:20:00.003+08:00

WO YAO DA SHI GE!!!! A recent New Year chinese movie parodied this Ip Man slogan, and it was hilarious. I wonder what's the reason for really wanting to share something nice with another? Wow time flies. A day passed yesterday without me even noticing it. Just game all the way. I still remembered I wanted to watch some movies... in the end no time to watch even. Phew... Oh well, I got nothing much to blog about today. TMR!

WHOA

2010-07-25T15:17:00.008+08:00

LMAO I MUST blog about this dream!!!!! It's almost bizzare LOLOLOLOL. Last night, I dreamt that I married her, but let me tell u how. I only remember I was at her JB house hangin around. Before that we had some ordeal or something, I can't really remember... and she got turned into a very fat woman. Everybody was saying 'but u said u loved her'. That night I made the decision that showed that true love conquered all, and agreed to marry her. Next morning... I was magically at my condo, and I came down to a huge, massive crowd at the pavilion, but strangely I was dressed in T-shirt, Bermudas, and sports shoes. I only realized I was in the wrong outfit sometime later, then I rushed back to my old house in Yishun at block 271, entered the house, only to realize I was in the wrong house!! I then rushed back to yishun emerald and changed properly... when I was about to step out of the house.. I saw my bride there... and surprisingly... as if the spell had been broken... she was her usual beautiful self again!!! LOOOOOOOOOOOL. I got woken up for lunch at about 3pm and the dream ended. HAHA. Looks like she's not the only one to get battish dreams now and then xD

New Pokemon Black and White reveals a new BAT pokemon to replace ZUBAT!! It's called Koromori: http://bulbapedia.bulbagarden.net/wiki/Koromori_(Pok%C3%A9mon) Imbat cute... now I have a new idea of how to draw bat wings!

Physiology
Koromori is a white, shaggy creature, resembling the head of a fruit bat. It has a piggish, large nose with a nostril in the shape of a heart. Its eyes are hidden behind two shaggy tufts of fur. It has a large mouth with a single fang, and two relatively small wings on either side of it.

BREAKING UP the ice

2010-07-24T23:58:00.022+08:00

Nice Quote: "Happiness is a specific. Misery is a generalization. People usually know exactly why they are happy. They very rarely know why they are miserable."

Talked with her yesterday. Lol it's just like a rewinding of previous times when we broke and patched... starting very cold and awkward. With her I never felt like I had a clean break before. I think I can sorta understand what she's feeling. When I left my ex Evelyn, I kinda regretted, and would stare at her msn nick sometimes and really want to talk to her, but something just held me back. After sometime I gave up totally and moved on because things dragged for too long and I lost hope and interest; I was always ready to get back with her, but I got no positive signals. However, with this cwab, she seems to always come and poke me on bright moony days after a period of silence. It's like periodically clinging on to make sure I'm still there. And somehow, once she pokes me, the wall just collapses; there seems to be an inexplicable attraction between the two of us. My softness always leads me to think that there is still hope left: hope that one day she'll understand where I was coming from and where we needed to head to; hope that we might actually get to find solutions to all troubles.

Yesterday on msn, I didn't wanna be so cold, but I just didnt know where to start after such a long period of silence. I'm unsure of what she feels also. I wonder if she still has feelings for me after a third breakup and almost a month's absence. I dun wanna make any unnecessary moves (sounds like a crab moving only backwards or sideways but never forward) if she doesn't have feelings for me anymore. Somehow the feeling I think both of us are experiencing now is that of reluctance. I think she's also feeling lost as well, but I could be wrong. I need to know what she's truly feeling so I can make the appropriate decisions. Sadly, her busy working days aren't giving her the time needed to think (now i'm really thinking twice about teaching, as I might not have enough time for my lover.) In the midst of hesitation, uncertainty, and fear, let's all have a little hope and optimism then! And well, I might actually grab books from books actually too!

Btw... someone's been listenin to my blogsongs for darn long, repeatedly last night. Lemme calculate... replayed about 500mb of bandwidth, divided by 30 = looped all the 6 songs about 16+ times!! I wonder who is it?

Oh wow Linda's status is now 'married' to her bf!! Congrats gurl! (If you readers don't remember, Linda is my friend who has the same get-together and breakup date, and same number of breakups as me.) The power of love is really infinitely stronger than anything; but she also put in some effort on her part la. She was whining 24/7 on facebook about missing him and wanting him back... if I were the guy I'd get such an earnest lover back as well (but it surprises me how earnest aquariuses actually are... I used to think they were ice queens.) I'm proud I know a friend with such undying spirit and courage, and am happy for her!

2010-07-24T19:40:00.002+08:00

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=1454875085243

The REAL Ip man! LOLOLOLOL. ღ(◕‿◕｡)ღ

More songs

2010-07-22T23:47:00.024+08:00

Nice quote of the day: "It is not enough to do your best; you must know what to do, and then do your best" - W. Edwards Deming

LMAOOOOO Mazlynnah said this on facebook: "say the reason you live is for me, say it", and Carmen replied: "the reason you live is for me, it". LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly died laughing!! Damn cheeky!!!!

Added 2 new songs to the blog! First is a remix of "Almost Lover", an immensely emo song that my friend intro-ed! I placed this song at the first slot, because it's nicer and more meaningful than "Need You Now". Second new song is "Somebody's Baby", a chirpy oldie that's very catchy! To soften the emo mood the previous songs would have created, I put this song at the last slot! In total, these 6 songs are some of the nicest/most emo romantic songs in my opinion!

This next song that Linda posted is not as nice as the songs I've put on my blog, but the lyrics are so meaningful that I can't help but put them down here. The reason I don't wanna put it on this blog is because it does not create an emotional link with me. It does not represent what I feel/believe in. For one, I do not get angry/blame others "for everything I just couldn't do" (a.k.a my incompetence). Following that, I don't leave people only to say in the future "if only i knew what i know today". This song is only for those with regrets. Obviously Linda is regretting leaving... it's amazing how much a song can tell about what a person is thinking/feeling. Therefore, I would like to share it with you readers, so you can feel what she feels in advance, and not make the same mistake in your own relationships. Below is the link to this song, I uploaded it specially for you! (Sorry, the hyperlink isn't working, you gotta copy/paste it into your browser tab)

http://www.mdn.fm/files/164948_ddogr/Christina_Aguilera_-_Hurt.mp3

Christina Aguilera - Hurt
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself by hurting you
Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide 'cause it's you I miss
You know it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this

Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes and see you looking back

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that
I've missed you since you've been away

Oh, it's dangerous
It's so out of line to try to turn back time

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself

By hurting you

"The sense of loss is always greater than the happiness of gaining"

2010-07-22T16:50:00.011+08:00

Facebook post by Joyce: "We all weep a little when faced with rejection & hurt. We cling onto those feeling the same way, in hope of comfort and understanding. But eventually, we will realize that no one is really giving good advice and no one is really listening. We all just want to dwell in that dark hole for a little longer because we're terrified of what else lies ahead."

Wow... she nailed it on the head lol, especially about the part where no one is really listening. Told u peeps, most people just can't be bothered; it's never the same. However, there are people who go through life without realizing anything at all, or in some cases choose not to realize. Is ignorance really bliss then?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Goin down for a swimmy. While packin the stuff to bring down... I Saw something familiar... a red/white swimsuit. Wonder when I should return it to her. Or maybe I should keep it till it needs to be used again...? Lol wadever. Off to swim!

-after swimming-
Woo swimming rox! It's so relaxing and I can have the freedom to think and be tired. Wait a min being tired aint fun. Somebody stole my slippers that I bought from NTU, which I placed at my doorstep. STEALING SLIPPERS!?! What's the world coming to man. Yesterday my sis quarreled with neighbour, because she was playing the grand piano in the living room, and the neighbour complained that it was very noisy. Sis didn't give in and said which law states that she cannot play piano. Sigh... stubbornness and ego... what's wrong with my sis man. We should all learn to give in at times, so an amiable atmosphere can be maintained. While all the shouting went on outside, I stayed in my lil cave and enjoyed the peace, quiet, and coziness. No more quarrels for me thanks.

Which leads me and my family to wonder if the neighbour discarded the slippers in a petty attempt to get back at my sis. Ahhhh what sweet(?) revenge... throwing away the slippers of your enemy. Well done. The chinese saying: Yuan yuan xiang bao he shi liao? There's no end to hatred and revenge and whatever. Might as well be humble and give in; and if my sis can compromise a little and play piano at times which won't disturb the neighbour, then an accommodative solution would have been formed. Wooh I feel like a whole layer has been shed off me, and am super refreshed now! (^_^)

Whatever negative emotions experienced in a quarrel only exists within that quarrel, and shouldn't be taken as a whole. Dota brings out the ugly side in people. As another friend corrected me, it brings out the TRUE side of people. That friend even elaborated that anything we're passionate about brings out the true side in us, and I found that sentence to be very meaningful. Food for thought! For me, dota or anything I'm passionate about brings out the meticulous, idealistic side in me, where I get disappointed if things don't go according to what is/could have been the ideal situation. I guess I still have alot to learn as well, and I'll share it with whoever that reads this bloggy!

Emo Songs

2010-07-22T00:50:00.008+08:00

My friend likes the songs on my blog! I duno where to start when talking about songs. For me, liking a song has to do with whether it gets in touch with your emotions. I love soulful songs, with nice soothing melodies and angelic voices. Most of these songs tend toward the romantic side, or RnB genre. She would use to just listen to the song's melody and not really take note of the lyrics; that's her, she can focus so much on one thing and be so good at it. And she would always pick songs that corresponded to her mood at that specific time, though she denies it.

A picture paints a thousand words, but songs give you that emotional link, and it creates the mood and atmosphere. Uplifting songs make you happy, emo songs make you sad; and the good thing about being emo is that you don't lose track of the past. Nostalgia is part of being emo, and I find that life has meaning only when we experience our fair share of sadness. Songs can also revive memories, reveal certain truths that we ourselves cannot see, help us dream or envision the future, and be used as a form of expression. I used to pick songs that fit the expression of love I wanted to give to her; I took note of the lyrics and what they were saying, and only when one is able to appreciate lyric and melody as a whole, can the entire meaning and impact of the song be felt.

I hadn't thought about this before, but there suddenly seems to be something in the order of songs on my blog. Though it's just a random arrangement, where I put the song i liked best in front, now it kinda seems to me like the order is telling me something: that all good things come to an end. The starting song is one of the saddest songs I know of, second only to Whiskey Lullaby maybe. It talks of love, longing, and loss. This degenerates (even though Bruno Mars's song is cheerful) to 'Count on Me', which talks about friends, and I can't help but cross-refer Nelly Furtado's song "All Good Things", which contains the chorus: "Flames to Dust, Lovers to Friends, Why do all good things come to an end?"

Gosh, blogging does seem to help My Brain keep active and ready for school in about a month's time!

Acceptance

2010-07-21T14:21:00.012+08:00

don't u hate it when the latest you can sleep until is 1-2pm? I wake up at 12 only to force myself to sleep till 1 :(

A line my army friend said about a week ago floated into my mind: "it depends on how much you treasure the relationship and want to make it work." He had major problems in the first 6 months of his relationship, but they thrashed things out and managed to stay together till now; admirable indeed. So far the impression I get on my side is, it's not really worth treasuring, since solutions never even get a chance to be formed; or maybe the other party thinks it just can't be worked out. What do u think reader? Do you think that somewhere somehow things have been taken for granted, taken too lightly, or too seriously?

I hope this period of silence between us will kill all the love that was present. When that happens, I can be friends with her again, hopefully when school starts. I'm sure this is what she wants, because 1. She's afraid/tired of getting hurt again 2. She feels like she isn't the one for me and has self-doubts 3. She's tired and doesn't want to solve problems 4. She doesn't know how to face up to her family and friends. She once said that we should wait for a few years, for experience and wisdom to set in. I doubt feelings can last for that long; ok maybe I'm cynical, but seriously, realistically speaking, if we can break so easily, then a year or two is enough to forget about each other. Oh well, no point thinkin about it now, especially if nothing can move her, or if she gets so easily stressed out. The feeling's fading already anyway. Perhaps the only regret I have left is that of being misunderstood. I'll just see what the future has in store for me! :D

Fading

2010-07-21T03:57:00.007+08:00

I feel childish! But oh well, yesterday was a nice rainy day, good for naps in the noony! I like to take naps nowadays, it's refreshing! But it also screws up my body clock.

A facebook post by my friend: "Time may lessen the pain, but it'll never go away, as long as those memories remain." Wah.. emo sia.

Heard a story from a friend. This friend has a friend called B. B's gf is very cute, but B constantly asks for sex partners, and sleeps around with ah lians who are good in bed. He even goes to malaysia to find 21 year old girls to sleep with. He said he needed new flavour. Disgusting man... I can never do it with another person unless I love that person. Making love is a very spiritual act, and I can't believe such people with loose morals actually exist. I pity his gf...

Ok, I might not be bloggin so much anymore. Catch ya when the next interesting thing pops up!

Lesson no. 1: Denial (an inspired blogpost)

2010-07-20T00:57:00.021+08:00

In the Kübler-Ross Grief Cycle, the second stage is one of blind denial. In order, the stages are: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Testing, Acceptance.
People in denial close their eyes to any evidence and pretend that nothing has happened.

Treatment
You can move a person out of denial by deliberately provoking them to anger. Hold up the future (sympathetically) so they cannot avoid or deny it. Tell them that it is not fair. Show anger yourself (thus legitimizing that they get angry).

Thought this info was good? It's just some garbage on the web. Now let's proceed further into the depths of self-discovery with Cikgu Lee (omg you shameless %#@#). Firstly, we know we are denying ourselves when we react with violence or anger when the basis of what we are denying is questioned or provoked. For example, if people ask me 'Do you still think of her?', and I angrily reply 'NO?', I'm clearly denying myself. Sherlock Holmes would be able to tell just by looking. LOL (this joke sucks why am I even laughing.)

Secondly, people in denial tend to want to brush aside the issue that they are denying with casual, brisk remarks, in an attempt to show they have little interest left in what they are trying to deny. It is quite obvious. The third point that links closely to this, is when the person in denial ignores the intuition of the other. What this means is that the person in denial pretends like the other party cannot and will not know that something has in fact happened, and that an exaggerated amount of effort has been put in to mask that occurrence as if it never happened before. The other party will be taken to be oblivious to any of these.

I've always compared people in denial to people living in a dream (dammit, how long have i been dreaming? *pinch* 1...2...3... OUCH.) In terms of love/breakups, if a person behaves just like he/she behaved when in a relationship after a breakup, then turns around and says stuff like 'we're just friends', you can instantly tell it's a form of denial.

The last aspect of denial that I will cover tonight is that of denying one's own mistakes. With this, the ugliness of ego and selfishness surface. For one, we know that the next stage after denial is anger. Naturally, one's ego will prevent one from admitting one's mistakes outright and be put down in the eyes of another, especially if that person craves attention and selfishly wants to be the goodie person, hence the 'false anger' generated. This will lead to a blind assurance that one is right in believing the other party did not trust the person, when in fact, the person is denying the fact that he/she must have failed to do something that's of the norm, thus inducing the mistrust. The reason I use mistrust as an example, is because it's the most common problem that couples deal with nowadays, and right now u can already see me denying my intention of putting my own experience down (what's wrong with you man!) With this clarified, what still puzzles me is how sometimes some people can continue to deny their mistakes and/or run away from working it out (At this point some people would say Ouch, because... the truth hurts? lol). In the end when they wake up, only regret will be left behind. Would you, the student/reader enlighten me? :)

PS. This is an open discussion and you are free to disagree with me. However, the timing to bring this up kinda sucks, because one would think I'd already let such matters rest. Thing is, I did, but I just thought about it again and decided not to let meaningful truths about human nature be gone with the wind. Someone needs to know, and some people need to come face to face with reality. I hope my post can help all the aspiring couples out there who are struggling to make things work. I wish you all the best and I admire your determination! Aim for marriage my 5-yr relationship-friend! Don't be too sad Linda, even though it's your third breakup after a 1year 5month relationship!

To sidetrack abit: in my opinion, u can generally tell what kind of people you actually converse with by one simple test: a breakup. Yes Im serious. If you tell a person/ friend that you just broke up with your bf/gf, and the person replies 'forget about it, there's many more fishes in the sea', or 'he/she's a jerk, just forget about him/her', you know that person can immediately be differentiated from people who tell you things like 'dont give up, i'm sure if you still love each other things'll work out', or, as my mei herself actually said in her own words, 'will patch back wan la'. The former kinda people are either those who can't be bothered to give encouragement, are biased, are over-protective, or are lastly - of which I hope not - jealous of the potential love and want the person to be on the same single status as him/her (what an ugly truth). Im the latter kinda person, and I always give encouragement to people who need it. Optimism is needed peeps! Don't let go of that!

Which brings me to another point if you think this draggy blogpost is gona end. On facebook I saw my friend Linda's posts: "At times like this I just want to curl myself up in a ball on the floor, repeatedly chanting 'I miss __, I miss __.' in tears while stupidly hoping that he would suddenly appear infront of me, help me up and say, 'it's alright now.'", and "So love sick." (It is REALLY coincidental that the number of times she broke up, and even the time and date she got together and broke up with her bf are almost the same as mine.) It's already been a month now... and she still has such strong feelings for her bf... I wonder if it's this way for my side. For one, I know my girl has the knack of totally switching off the personal and private when it comes to work. However, I wonder if she responds the same way as my friend does? No idea, and I'm not as impudent as to speak her mind for her when I'm not even sure what she's thinking now. I may very well have been forgotten already.

For me, I invented a lame thing: Love is like a save state. Before you breakup, you save the love and emotion in a save state. When you patch up, you load the save state and Continue the game! Naturally I would look forward to loading the save state as well, like anyone would. However, if that does not happen, I'll just have to delete the save state and start a New Game!! Cool huh? No wonder they say love is like a game... But my friend said something real funny: "lets say u play v long nv save, or play till like sai, or powercut, u will v sian". LOL! This is alot of crab from me tonight... I think I'ma end it now. Gambatte Linda! If your relationship can work out, so will mine!

Movie Watchin

2010-07-19T18:40:00.004+08:00

Omg the movie 'The Stepfather' is darn freaky.. America is really a place of baddies... or is it only America? *shudders*

Quote from the movie that I Loled at:

Kelly (to stepfather): He's (boyfriend michael) been such a jerk lately
Stepfather: That's called being a guy. We're all jerks. That's why you women like us. We're like projects that you take on.

LOLOL. The stepfather's a real good actor

Watched 'Triple tap', or God of guns, starring louis koo and daniel wu. It was great, good plot twist and stuff. Yup!! On with the movie!

More Enlightenment

2010-07-19T00:39:00.007+08:00

Things happen in a very strange way. As I was listenin to music, suddenly the quarrel with my friend popped into my mind. I thought about how he scolded me harshly, and I felt indignant that he still didn't see my point that a friendship is worth more than game performance. However, this indignation suddenly faded away as my mind zoomed in to one of the sentences he said. He told me that he was tired of reminding me to stop alt tabbing when in a game. I gave in and said that I was a noob. He replied that I was not, it was just that I did not bother to play properly. Now after the initial period of tension is past, I am able to see more clearly. When people quarrel, ego and selfishness tend to take over, that's why I try to remain as emotionally detached as possible to prevent that. Looking back, I suddenly realise that he was trying to improve me; rather, to help me improve myself in terms of overall responsibility. No doubt his tone was very harsh, but I suddenly felt like I forgave him totally, because his intention was good, and I was definitely in the wrong as well. It may seem superficial, but once you give your commitment to a team of 5 people, you must fulfill it to your fullest and play your part, to gain your friends' trust and respect. Lol... I really like such random bursts of enlightenment... I duno how else to describe it other than as a clearing of air.

Lol

2010-07-18T20:37:00.003+08:00

MC Mong - Sick Enough to Die
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9c1txitx4bI

Lol Koreans really have the knack of being dramatic. I only like the chorus for that song, because I don't understand the rest of the lyrics! However, the youtube version has translation : )

http://www.wtfjapanseriously.com/2010/04/binocular-soccer.html

Japanese are freaking bo liao. wtf, japan, seriously...

Reflections of a fluttering heart

2010-07-18T04:32:00.011+08:00

Quarreled with friend again... sianz. However, with each quarrel I'm learning more and more restraint and tolerance. I think soon I'll be able to totally give in. I wanna improve and become a better person!! After all, so what if we prove our point? Only sadness comes out of it. We were there for each other when we needed it. So what if I think my friend's ego and selfishness are obnoxious? So what if my friend thinks I can't be bothered to be serious at all times? The key lies in discerning which is more important: the bond, or the quarrel. An 8-year-long friendship withstands minor quarrels, and things were cool in a very short while after (honestly, to this day it still surprises me how fast we patch up. The only major break we had lasted a month, and that was some time ago, because we both decided to take a breather.) I've almost mastered the skill of giving in till everyone's cooled down then talking about it later lol. However, that skill is only useful against an aggressor, or in other words when someone else starts the quarrel. I still have yet to find a solution to my sensitive expectations. As for the insecurity, perhaps I need to be, as some horoscope sites have suggested, surrounded by progressive optimism? Oh well... I find it paradoxical that only the closest/best friends will quarrel and disagree on things. It seems people who don't know me well enough can't even come close to finding fault with me, and thus ironically I'm all the more clear which/who is more important.

Chit-Chat

2010-07-17T20:20:00.013+08:00

"intelligence
is analytical rational and [gotten] thru experience"

"they [are] quick to judge"

"i feel girls generally like to alienate themselves from obvious facts
and base their every
decision
on emotions alone
wich is kinda
delusional"

lol more insights from chats with I-will-not-say-who! I don't think this is in anyway misogynist, if anyone responds violently to it. These are truths that I myself have seen in some cases, and some of which guys like myself are also guilty of, for example being quick to judge. We must all learn to leave the personal level aside when the time calls for it, and instead be objective, impartial, and rational for the sake of improvement and correction. I wonder how long it will take for people to get enlightened.

I wonder how long will it take for me to be less sensitive and insecure (it's not like I don't trust the person I love), which are two of my biggest faults.

More talk with this friend yielded a real-life scenario:
a n b r normal frens
*A borrows a book
*but using b's library card
*b agrees
*cos a dont haf library card
*i.e the limit is full
*so
a forgets to return the book
*and incurs a fine of
*5 dollars
*b receives a letter from library
*saying the book a borrowed is overdue
*he gets enraged

and phones A repeatedly
*like 10+ times in a day for a day
*but A is not able to access his own phone
*so a finally gets to use his phone
*and talks to b
*b yells at a
for not being a 'responsible person'
*a tells b he will pay the full cost of the fine
*and treat b to a meal
but a is not able to do it now
*due to his busy schedule
*b got angry again
*and after an argument
*stops being friends with a

So the conclusions we got were: that the friend is impulsive, insecure, petty, unforgiving, and other stuff which I will not bother to list. However, my friend kept on emphasizing the other party's incredible rage. It's kinda scary sometimes. Well, that's all for today!

A Talk to Remember

2010-07-17T16:40:00.006+08:00

Thanks for your advice and encouragement with regards to life, work, and relationships mei mei! It's people like you that epitomize the meaning of undying love and optimism. I admire you!

If only words can get to people; but words ain't enough.

New Fav Song!

2010-07-17T15:13:00.000+08:00

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now
Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now (wait)

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Batty thoughts

2010-07-17T01:12:00.032+08:00

A girl i know told me yesterday that she was 'spoilt, demanding, and selfish', and that most girls are selfish. I was surprised at her honesty and willingness to admit her own faults, and i instantly respected her. Respect, as well as trust, is earned; it doesn't occur naturally. How do some people allow others to trust them naturally? How do I allow my lover to fully trust my loyalty? How do teachers earn respect and trust from students other than by making an effort to be more self-conscious and behave properly? These never come naturally, but rather require effort to be put in to improve oneself. We can't be lazy when it comes to improvement. The fact that she can face her own problems already gives her the first level of success: recognition instead of idealisation, even though the truth hurts. The second level, improvement, should then be much easier if both parties are open and willing to hear their own faults.

Ultimately, criticizing for the sake of improvement has to be differentiated from criticizing out of hatred, mistrust, or anger. As a guy friend pointed out, most people fail to recognize this of the other party, and I agree. However, I don't want to make fleeting assumptions/accusations anymore. As Naruto anime points out, I really wish for a day where people can truly understand one another, and there exists only love without hatred. As of now, all of us, including myself, are guilty of not achieving both of the aforementioned. Sometimes anime can be so educational and meaningful lol. Dear reader, these are my inspired thoughts for today!

2010-07-16T00:50:00.011+08:00

Duno what she wants/thinks: behave like we're together yet dowan patch; says she still misses us yet insists i didn't trust her and resigns to the thought that it cannot be worked out. Duno what I'm thinking: keep saying harsh things yet dun really mean it. But I guess shdn't rush things. However, if things are such that I see no sign that she wants us back together in the future, then I'll leave, coz I dislike waiting for nothing.

I think i'll cooldown after a good sleep. For now, I'm sorry, I was wrong as a friend to talk to her like that... I should just give her time and space.

2010-07-15T03:16:00.010+08:00

It was the end of reservist yesterday!!! Wasn't really ecstatic about it, coz we got to bookout everyday! However, it marks more freedom, evident by the late time I'm typing this bloggypost! Yesterday, at around 2.30++pm, she called!! It was such a surprise, and I was happy! She said she just finished work, and had been walking around bringing students to tutor other students etc. If I didn't see the words 'ask her out' written almost anywhere, I would really live up to my nick as blind bat LOL!! So yea I asked to hang out, and we met up at yishun library! First time seeing her after like 2 weeks was kinda refreshing!! First impression I got was that she looked more 'tamed', and more scholarly, especially with the right fringe tucked up behind her ears and her specs drooping down: the makings of a cikgu-in-progress!! When we stood up to go for lunch/dinner, I felt surprised, coz weirdly enough I was not accustomed to seeing chibi cwab for some time!! Hee, bat that is in no way derogatory, coz that's part of what I liked about her :D

The outing and dinner went great! We were happy! It was great hearing her hiccup, laugh, and see her **ut coz I teased her too much LOL. However, I had to make a conscious effort not to catch her p*****y or p****e-p***k her lol xD Hope these can make her giggle tmr! Oh ya, my shoulder area was peeling badly due to sunburn, and it was gross! She helped me pluck some of the dead skin, and I felt so touched. I was lively and chirpy, and brought her to have fun at the arcade! She wasn't feeling too well; HER BRAIN was clogged up and she had a headache, so I wanted her to have a short burst of fun before retiring home! Yup! We went to popular lastly, and a very funny thing happened there. She saw 'Tears' as 'Teats'!!!!!! *giggles*

I duno what's going through her mind just before she sleeps. I wonder if she still thinks about... hee! :X

Am kind worried about my mods.. currently really have 0. If priya cant help me get them then I'm screwed! :( Lastly, have a good day tmr! *chirps*

2010-07-14T00:23:00.006+08:00

Today was IPPT!! Shiong sia.. never imajinged I could be so unfit. Really need super intense training... which I am not inclined to do just for a minor additional 100bucks for getting silver medal. A pass is good enough for me, where army is concerned!! Anu... army ish a rigid organisation! IT follows the book so closely that there is no flexibility, and the planning is so inefficient that commands being passed down from one head to another leads to lots of time being wasted. As my friend said, almost everything in there can be improved/criticized. Well let's not diverge! The 2.4 run came after a 1hour wait for CAT 1 lightning risk to be over. The day before we just had a 4km route march, and my legs were aching!! Surprisingly, it was much harder to run compared to 2 weeks ago, when I still trained every alternate day... scary sia 2 weeks nv train only stamina can drop! I guess i'll just train enough to keep in shape and maintain a 58kg!!

Running is so tiring; it is toughest on the mind. Once you lose focus, you will slow down; you have to clear your mind of all thoughts and just focus on reaching the end, pushing yourself beyond your fatigued body. It is such training that strengthens one's mind, braces it, and breeds the never say die spirit in people who have discovered it. Though my timing is nothing to boast about, and miles away from my former glory in JC, I'm still glad I managed to pass! After a shag day, batty's gona retire soon!

Today, I'm so happy that cwabby called! I think about her everyday. I wish things didn't have to be this way. I wish things could be just like they were, and then I could spend some time with her after army. I wonder if she left me any hints/clues(something just tells me that she did... but maybe its just my over-active imagination..?) I know she's very busy right now, and guess this period of time would be good to chill. Bat one thing's for sure: if she still has hope left, then I dun mind waiting for her!

In fact, one of my friends read batty's posts and told me that his relationship was similar to mine, in that the problems were similar. He told me about a solution that worked for him, which is whenever there was a quarrel, he would give in and be silent, however, after everyone's cooled down, she had to listen to what he had to say peacefully, and a discussion could be held for accommodation's sake. He explained that the way quarrels work is that when one's heated up, everything will just pour out just based on one sentence alone; it can be that bad he said(yes, I believe we are aware of that). So I thought this was a rather cool and controlled way of making things work! For one, it prevents any impulsive outbursts, and helps train one's restraint and tolerance. I wonder if there is such a thing as a naturally occurring relationship. According to the feedback I've gotten, and past experiences, it seems that every relationship has quarrels and needs work, else it wont be a relationship; it'll just be normal friends. If relationships appear to be smooth sailing, it just means we aren't seeing what lies beneath. It seems like Lady Venus is bent on testing how far we can go for love by making love hurt and drawing a thin line between love and hate >_< Yeap, these are the thoughts and discussions with friends in army on some days!! Now I gotta go sleep! ZZZ

2010-07-12T23:33:00.002+08:00

lol today i took a cab home and this uncle, every few words he say he scolded 'kanina' or 'nabehcb' ... and he was relating to us how a Eurasian lady cut his cue juz to buy condoms. LOLOL. He also talked about how blur petrol station attendants are, when they fill full tank instead of 20percent that he asked. Kept laughing man. What an interesjing but tiring day!! Tmr IPPT! Then LAST DAY!

CUTE SI NI

2010-07-11T14:35:00.005+08:00

Dear whoever that reads this,

Poppin/fluttering by to show you an uber cute video to brighten your day and revive fond memories of cute pets or things!! The bunnies GMH.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOV18WKNtgI

2010-07-11T13:59:00.004+08:00

From the aftermath last night, I msged my friend on msn and said "u still angry bout last night? cmon lets patch up : D"
True enough, the reply I got was "fuck, no. its outside of the game. my displeasure will start and end within the game", and I was happy. After explaining things, everyone got enlightened, and we accommodated to each other by finding out what each doesnt like, renewing that knowledge, and renewing our bond. Now, it's just like nothing ever happened before, and we're happy.

Pseudo-Enlightenment

2010-07-10T16:19:00.018+08:00

Maybe we need time to mature and become more sensible and less easily stressed people. For now, I give up. She is 100 percent sure we can't be together, and when she has no hope or love left, then neither will I. Till I/we can find the feeling again, so long cwabby. I have loved you before and I didn't regret it.

ps.
I think only now have I actually thought about this trait of mine, where I put down faults of even my closest friends/loved ones. If it's wrong or immoral, I am impartial and unbiased, and will scold anyone if needed. However, I don't think this is only a Libra trait, as I see it in almost any guy friend I have. When angered, they scold without even considering whether they'll hurt or not. I guess we're all a little too serious at times...

TODAY, 11th July 2010, I suddenly realized that I could finally feel how hurt she must have felt. While gaming, a mistake I made roused sharp and intense scoldings and vulgarities from friends of mine (not the first time it occured, but I only thought about it today), and I felt hurt and betrayed and almost like a stranger to them (however, I always initiate a convo with them after some time has passed and everyone has cooled down, and surprisingly, none of them treat it like anything has happened/mattered before!! It's bizzare now that I think of it; it is as if that moment of flaring up was an alternate consciousness and was not to be taken seriously. This is how me and my friends maintain 8 year long friendships; we understand how to patch up). I felt like they hated me (but yet somehow, in the very depths of my heart, I knew we would still continue to be good friends), and I immediately felt my defense mechanism activate, creating an awkward, silent/hostile barrier between us. I told myself that a small mistake I made should not warrant such treatment from good friends; that they were too perfectionist; that they were taking minor things too seriously. How ironic that I myself was perpetrator of such ugly behaviour (though not as vulgar, but still with hurtful sarcasm or interrogative tones.) That very moment placed me in her shoes, and as I type this blogpost with whirling emotions I feel connected to her even though we're physically and emotionally apart now... I finally understand... but am not fully enlightened as I cannot accurately pinpoint what the problem is, nor find a solution for it (what I usually do when my friends scold me is casually say 'need to be so serious meh?'... other than that, I don't know already); I can only describe via experience that this is what happens, and is generally an uncontrollable(?), unintentional personality that has to be understood beforehand, lest immense hurt be felt. I have failed not only her, but myself for not seeing this earlier. I'm sorry that my most loved one had to experience this. I think she'd be better off without me.

Things never did have a chance to be properly explained

2010-07-08T23:15:00.049+08:00

After reading her blogpost twice, I am still indignant that she can say I never loved, trusted, respected, or treated her as an amaJING girlfriend. Truth is, I was even proud of her, and proud to let my friends know she was my gf, not minding what they said as in my eyes she was the best. I bet she didn't know that. I bet in her mind I'm just this guy who wants the perfect girlfriend and keeps shooting her down, when I was merely pointing out her faults to her, and even if she didn't correct them, I would still love her as much. If my tone was sharp or interrogative, I really didn't mean it. If she thinks that her friends know her better, then she can jolly well find her love there. In the end, it's never the same or as strong. If she happens to think outside her own world, or roll back our entire time together, she MIGHT see all the little things (I don't bother shamelessly mentioning; she should slowly remember them if they mean alot to her) that show the extent of my feeling toward her, and might realize at least that she's been treasured and has made a mistake. She also might see that I am in no way fully guilty of my suspicions (though guilty for flaring up in a VERBALLY nasty way, hence I am not acquitting myself of responsibility for my mistakes, though this time I had no opportunity to be there for her and apologize when we quarreled) as anyone else would feel the same on seeing her mistakes, that is if they actually see or experience them, not just hear of them. Moreover, my suspicions were mostly instigated. Who would blame someone else for nothing?
"You can be the original meek as a lamb or mad as a hornet personality. Yet neither of these is really a true reflection of your essentially harmonious nature." - I think this is true, as I never really mean what I spout in a fit of emotions to her in our quarrels; but I don't blame her for feeling hurt as how is one to know when I'm serious or not? I can only say sorry... But if she focuses mainly on how wronged or hurt she is without considering my POV, then I can't do anything as well. And when I try to reason and talk things out with her, she backs away from my interrogative tone, and claims that she tried (she did, but it wasn't really called trying) to talk things out when all she says is 'im not seeing you tmr or ever again'. If I was asking for assurance that she was earnest and that my commitments weren't for nothing, then her reply was bizzare and uncalled for. However she has the right to ASSUME that I don't love her at all. I can't stop her from thinking what she wants, and what she's compulsively gone so far to prove: that we're incompatible(?). If she thinks she can't take back all that she's complained about to her friends, then her pride will keep us apart.

It appears she is much less forgiving in comparison to me, who never once broke up on her/left her behind despite quarrels or an aching heart. Cannot everytime argue only break de... too impulsive already... the most just take a breather ma, need to make until so serious meh? Sigh. (it's not like she's the only one suffering all the time; whenever I flared up, it was because I was hurt and felt an unfairness in a situation or behaviour. I too needed assurance.) Perhaps the amulet she parted with was given to someone else who was very sure he loved her despite any quarrel or mistake, and not me whom she thinks never loved or trusted her. I currently feel so disappointed that she can be so psyched into thinking that she did the right thing in ending our 'didn't want it to end' relationship (I always stayed with her and was loyal no matter what) that she smses me monosyllabic things like 'NoPe' or doesn't sms me at all, that I don't feel like talking or committing (since she said in her blog that she never asked for extra commitments ...) to her for the moment as well. IF(please note that it is an 'if') she can overlook all the care and concern and love i showered on her (I have never overlooked her love and was always appreciative - even if I appeared to point out her faults in a nasty manner - especially of her cooking, and she should know it), and only choose to look at stressed up moments of flaring up, or calling my want of assurance and reciprocity in commitment as a pauper looking up to a prince, then I have nothing more to say other than good luck with finding another Perfect guy that can replace the chirpy, witty, chicky, gentle, unpretentious, sweet, loyal and loving, albeit over-sensitive, insecure, and occasionally jealous (not shameless; some of these are actual words she herself used) fruitbat for her. Sigh.

nonsenseboy

2009-09-22T22:10:00.003+08:00

listen to your heart. even if it's on the left, it's always right.
- LOL! what a freaking meaningful quote! Now that was heartfelt... and no, 'felt' just happened to be an anagram of 'left' :P

You are a Libra

2009-08-28T02:30:00.001+08:00

Your ruling planet is Venus, the mythic goddess of love and beauty. Because of this, lots of people think Libra should be the easiest sign to understand. All you need is love, right? Wrong. Libra is an air sign. And air is concerned with ideals and principles above all else. Ah, love. Of course you think a lot about love. But the operative word here is think.

Your idea of love isn't really an intimate, steamy tête-à-tête or a chaotic explosion of uncontrolled passions. More likely it will involve a quiet meeting in a pleasant environment, where you can expound on one of your many theories on the perfect relationship, your concepts about how people ought to behave toward each other, and your clear, faultless vision of a world where everything is balanced, ordered, symmetrical and harmonious.

All that discussion about love can drive more emotive types mad. Although you can be as sexually inspired as any other sign, in the end the sharing of ideas is as important to you as the sharing of bodies. If there's no communication, you can get bored pretty quickly. Your sign has less to do with ordinary sweaty human coupling than any other, and for you love must always be stylish, never coarse.

Libra is the great perfectionist of the zodiac. You use the words "fair" and "equal" a lot. You believe passionately in fairness, which can cause you unhappiness, because life and people aren't always fair. You also believe passionately in equality, and here, too, you may encounter unhappiness, because finding a relationship where each partner gives and takes exactly the same amount and loves the other equally is like finding a unicorn.

No doubt you believe in unicorns too, and you're prepared to go on searching for that perfect companion, that perfect career, that perfect environment where no human mess intrudes. You're forever seeking the Good, the True and the Beautiful. And in your eternal efforts to change the world and make it a place where the Good, the True and the Beautiful can make their abode, you're likely to genuinely succeed in making life just that bit better and more beautiful.

Librans have the gift of creating style, grace and harmony wherever they go. You pursue your goals with diplomacy, tact and statesmanship, since you know much more gets accomplished when you've managed to convince people that your idea is their idea by a liberal use of the royal Libran "We". Of course, you usually do exactly what you want. But you have the knack of getting everyone around you to co-operate.

You have a positive hatred of emotional storms, so you probably have trouble expressing your own emotions honestly. Anger, hatred, jealousy, neediness, intense desire - frightening stuff, all of it, and expressing it can get you into trouble (meaning that other people might get hurt or angry with you).

Librans, those great lovers of Truth, are often emotionally dishonest with themselves and with others, although it's never intentional and never out of a desire to deceive. But when your anger blows (and it always does, when you've saved it up for too long), it can really blow. You can be the original "meek as a lamb or mad as a hornet" personality. Yet neither of these is really a true reflection of your essentially harmonious nature.

No matter how many times you get out of balance, the path between the extremes will always beckon with its gentle light, and the search for perfect equilibrium will always ensure that your life never stagnates. And maybe you recognise a secret that lots of other people don't see: that it's genuinely possible for human beings to be more than they are: more Good, more True and more Beautiful.

WordsAintEnough

2009-03-26T00:57:00.002+08:00

Yes, the title says it all. words aint enough to express how I feel about you.

memory of cute nicks

2009-03-21T18:07:00.002+08:00

-the inconstancy of constantcy is the only constant consistency
-an omelette cannot be made without breaking eggs
-the implicit simplicity of an explicit implicity

'for the protection of one's wife and children brings out the best in a man, leads him away from selfishness' - if u dont kill to protect the ones u love, u'll get killed. It's a ruthless world. There should be no fear of such protective aggression, rather, pride and support shd be administered in such strength of character.

I like to laugh

2009-03-19T21:41:00.003+08:00

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL at the things a person can randomly see around him/her.
Shopping at Jurong Point allowed me to see the most random thing i've seen on earth: a notepad titled "I Am Your Father". Like just BAM right in my face - I am your father. WTH! I could have died laughing; if there wasn't anything more totally cute and random than that, I'd say!

-There is one thing about nothing that makes something everything.

An Ideal Husband costs $3.70

2009-03-15T17:49:00.002+08:00

"That is the reason they are so pleased to find out other people's secrets. It distracts public attention from their own." - so true; includes talking and spreading rumours about scandals as well.

"...when we men love women, we love them knowing their weaknesses, their follies, their imperfections, love them all the more, it may be, for that reason." - but love can be blind, in a negative way as well, leading to more heartache only.

"It is not the perfect, but the imperfect, who have need of love." - now u see why i said in my other post that the perfect would wish not to be so perfect after all.

An 'I' post

2009-03-15T02:12:00.004+08:00

I like cute things/people
I like refinement/manners/sensitivity
I like clever puns and funny jokes
I like meaningful/romantic/ dramatic stuff/people
I like all songs, especially emo/romantic songs
I like rainy days and looking out the window
I like cooling weather
I like shiny and nice-looking stuff
I like/admire gorgeous things/people
I like random things/people
I like mysterious things/people
I like unique/intriguing things/people
I like good food eg. curry, fries, cheese, and anything that tastes nice
I like gaming, preferrably action/shooting/fighting games.
I like to learn but hate to study
I like making friends and being loyal
I like those who like me
I like to go crazy and have fun
I like to exercise, run and swim, but hate rough games.

This is for when I lose memory of who I am Jonathan. Thanks for remembering.

: )

2009-03-13T02:30:00.002+08:00

Walks into LT. Drinks wine. Eats cheese. Watches movie. Laughs. Talks. Sleep.

Unspoken

2009-03-05T20:12:00.004+08:00

The good looking need to worry constantly about looking good. The ugly need not worry at all, and can turn their attention to other matters - I really admire them. However I can disagree with this as well. There are some people who let their looks affect their self-confidence, and feel depressed or what not. Then from another viewpoint, is it really good to be super good looking? That person will be objectified! Girls would not even dare to go near the guy, becoz it's rather stressful especially if their guy is so perfect; the competition is stiff. That's why you see some gorgeous actors/actresses are still single. So reader, which would truly be a blessing then? @_@ The ugly would wish to be good looking, the good looking would... sometimes wish to be not so perfect? To stress about being presentable in public, on camera... certainly isn't a nice feeling. We can never get what we really want in life can we. xD

There are further sayings that I both agree and disagree with. For example, people say that only the ugly will constantly look at mirrors. I don't think so. Sometimes even good looking people keep looking into mirrors, to 'fall in love' with themselves - of course that will be vanity lol. But i really admire those good looking people who do not care about their appearance, who so innocently believe that they look like any normal person - those are the true beauties!

This is a very sensitive post, but, well, it's worth sharing. Certain people out there might be thinking this way, but dare not voice it out.

Jonny: So let us be their voice Hsien.
Hsien: I get disgusted when people look down on others becoz of looks.
Both: Yeah...

I love cute things!

2009-03-02T04:03:00.001+08:00

So here's a poem I made, comprising random cute things.

Then the bubbles floated up,
Round and cute and soft.
Hovering like a puffy cloud cup
Upon a shiny rainbow aloft.

The chubby cheeks a bright pink
As her marble eyes widen,
Big and blurry when she did not blink,
Raising a finger in a sudden.

'Cloud!' she said in an innocent voice,
Full of cheery bells and jingling.
A little hop, some squealy noise,
As she burst the bubble chuckling.

A cat!

The little ball of fur,
So cuddly and round sat
On a cushion and went 'pur',
With eyes bright beady and fat.

Late at night this little boy
Sits on a chair with his little toy
On the table, oh what joy!
To have another friend laughing; how coy!

A dinner's thought

2009-02-28T18:55:00.004+08:00

I watched a movie containing a quote that goes something like this "You tear me down just to make yourself feel better, because you hate yourself."
I think this is so true, and I've seen such obnoxious behaviours myself, where the person goes all out to try and find fault and expose the defendant's bad points at every possible opportunity, whereby elevating his/her own deflated, punctured ego in a situation called social comparison. You know what I do? I've gotten tired of being irritated. Now I just laugh at such behaviour, and if they're clever enough they'll know it's a laugh of pity.

Next up, I seriously can't believe some people's egos. They think all the girls/guys are crazy over them or something. I mean, get over yourself already. If you think you look hot in photos, let me tell you, photos are an idealised state captured to remind urself of how imperfect perfection really is. The most beautiful people are those who do not need to tell the world that they are. That will only be a pathetic attempt to salvage their lonesome, withering self-image from total alienation. (no reference to anyone, just a general thought. So if YOU, reader, happen to fall in this category, well, the truth hurts huh? But sorry for...pointing out the truth then.)

Wooh, ok, disgusting things expelled, now, back to dinner.

Rain

2009-02-25T18:58:00.004+08:00

Rainy days. Looking out the window at the thin silver arrows of rain pelting down interminably, creating a scene of the heavenly archers at war with the earth. Why do we love rainy days? It evokes a sense of melancholic euphoria. When we were young, rain reduced us kids to a captive in our homes, barred behind windows only to stare forlornly at the darting arrows. Now that we're grown up, with the advent of knowledge, with the ability to think - oh that awful ability - we reminisce that captivity and compare it with the freedom we experience now - thus giving us an uplifting feeling that we have grown up and changed - when nothing has really changed afterall. This limbo - between realising the past and thinking that we've moved on, and yet not being able to move on - creates that melancholy and 'emo' feeling we get when we stare out the window on a rainy day. I can't describe it better in words already. It's just a feeling oscillating between being trapped, captive, and that of freedom. Also, looking at the uninterrupted flow of rain contributes to the fluidity of thought and imagination- enhanced by the proximity with nature that we all feel - giving a peaceful, serene, contemplative state of mind to those who lay eyes on it.

-To know the price of everything but know the value of nothing.

Slurp

2009-02-22T16:46:00.007+08:00

The next thing you know, your teeth subtly caresses the circumference of that huge tube, savouring the tenderness of the skin, how softly it yields to pressure but not breaking, yet. Your tongue playfully licks that flesh stick, tasting the bland saltiness that just so entices u to apply greater pressure with your teeth. Then, a moment of unbridled passion seizes you; you cannot take it any longer, you must have it. You chew down hard and the meat rod explodes into your mouth. Yes, the utter bliss of the creamy substance flooding your mouth. The fragrance of the innards, spilling out to fill your cavity, once the taught skin ruptures and ur teeth sinks in to ravage the torn meat, mixing saliva with creamy white fluid.

Yessss... Ahhhh, eating cheese sausages really is lovely!!! No wonder they say food is sex.

Maybe

2009-02-20T22:53:00.004+08:00

"posing for photographs ... was done out of a realization of their own mortality, and that in the face of impermanence - of the day, of the week, of life - one craved photographs."

"any sound of nature soothes, because it makes man instinctively feel a part of nature too, and part of life's rhythms, the swelling and ebbing of tides, growth and decay, birth and death, and the stars at night."

To smokers: "...poisoning his lungs with deliciousness. He considered it all right (and with what gravity he did that!) for a mature man, who knows what he wants, and the attendant risks he's taking, to kill himself by what he ingests and inhales. At least it's a conscious act." What sarcasm!

Difference Within, not Between

2009-02-17T22:32:00.004+08:00

It is amazingly cool how I can bump into people at Boon Lay at 10am and they tell me that they're going for their 9.30am lesson. What's more, they act so calm and even say that they're improving! (From 1.5hrs late to 1hr to 45min) I really admire such people : )

On another hand, we have people who are forever angsty, always thinking the whole world is against them. A friend once commented that people who are exceedingly intelligent experience such eccentricity and weird fluctuations of behaviour. Or, it could just be an undiscovered case of bipolar disorder or mild schizophrenia. YES! I remember the term! It's called DELUSIONS OF PERSECUTION, present in schizophrenia, where the person thinks everyone or the system is against them. Well, it's rare, but we do come across strange people everyday. Live with it, and deal with it, or lastly, avoid it.

Looking through the Mask

2009-02-14T03:39:00.005+08:00

Who we really are, beneath that daily persona worn to please others, surfaces only in periods of stress and fear.

Dota is a bad form of entertainment. Depending on the degree of competitive urge within a person, playing a 1-hr match would reveal everything you would want to know about him/her - Those with perfectionist tendencies would often act up and start scolding people, becoming very unreasonable and irritable. Such people hate to lose as well. It is very saddening to see how good friends can scold each other or develop negative feelings just over a game. It is, human nature. It happens unconsciously. The other self takes over as we get lost in the game; it's as if the game controls our persona, and our real self emerges to show the true colours. If we could only treat it as a game - to have pure fun and not mechanically aiming to win and be serious every time - then ugly sides wouldn't emerge at all.

It is kind of ironical that we have to mindfully supress our TRUE selves. The perfect person would be one who loses with dignity and learns from it, never blaming a teammate for something, always taking the blame and offering words of encouragement etc; in a sense, to be true and genuine. These are the best people to hang around with. Sadly, I'm nowhere near that level... I still get irritated sometimes by unexpected 'happenings', and I feel bad about it. I guess it's just human to experience emotion; and if directed the right way, this emotion could grow to forge strong bonds between the players.

a thin line between love and hate

2009-02-12T23:58:00.004+08:00

Is the line really that thin? Attending Jocelyn Chua's play today made a point clear - when u love someone u're irrational, idealistic, blind to any faults. When you hate someone, u're perfectly rational, to the point of being critical of the person. In a sense, 'a racist would be more rational than my mom', as quoted from the play. Ever been in between? Where one moment u love the person to bits, next moment u feel like TEARING that person to bits; perhaps that's the thin line they're talking about - emotion's fluctuations.

The play was so intense, passionate, and intellectual. There was so much vigor in the accurate representation of the feeling at that moment, the expression, the emphatic vocal tones, and the mysterious, trance-like dances which, in repetition, only emphasized the mechanization and rigidity that society puts forth; coupled with the verging on eccentricity of action and speech, the whole feel I get is a very repressed, tormented individual struggling against society, trapped between past and present. The use of sound, or lack of, accentuates the silence of speech, subtly criticising the lack of freedom of speech - a very clever manoeuvre on the part of Jocelyn. Even the coarse scenes were only for the effect of harshly bringing us face to face with reality - that no matter where or who we are, no one gives a 'F***'.

Reasons why I am a bimbo

2009-02-10T19:35:00.005+08:00

1. Deciding to skip a perceived tutorial at 10.30 coz I woke up late, when it's actually at 11.30, ending in me having to rush to sch via cab.
2. Telling the cab driver to go NTU by the wrong way.
3. Taking an MRT to Yio Chu Kang before realising I should be going toward Woodlands.
4. Getting down at Jurong East Interchange MRT thinking it's Boon Lay.
5. Doing lame poses and hand signs.
6. Very very blur, as can be seen from above.
7. Don't even know how to walk to Lido, DXO(- Is it even spelt DXO? -walked from City Hall to Raffles Place to Bugis, whatever the order, when it's originally at City Hall!), or find a Fish & CO at Bugis(already solved this one).
8. Doing funny stuff that normal ppl don't do
9. Being quite retarded(same as point 8 actually)
10. Likes to emo sometimes.

There u have it, a bimbo me.

I love to stare out the window

2009-02-09T13:40:00.004+08:00

I love to stare out the window. Somehow i think it represents the part of us that wants to escape, but is held back behind the frame. This part of us would be imagination, or it could also be the part that yearns for freedom. I love to stare out the window - I saw a few people flying kites in the vast expanse of field below. I love to stare out the window, to see the kites soaring so high above the tallest trees, almost touching the sky - if only I could touch the sky too. How would clouds feel like? I love to stare out the window - watch the people passing by, the never ending flow of traffic flow by, the clouds drifting with the afternoon breeze, forming new shapes and patterns. I love to stare out the window, for then I can think of stuff and let my imagination go wild, and forget all kinds of worries like studying etc. I love to stare out the window, for it lets me remember - the past, good or bad, they're still memories...

I love to stare out the window, coz when I'm alone, I'll think of you. But perhaps we're never really alone, are we Jonathan?

Straightforward

2009-02-04T18:02:00.002+08:00

"it is that only in something that is wholly useless, utterly irrelevant, can we glimpse true beauty." - This may be a bit extreme, but yes, only in the simplest and least noticeable of things, when noticed, can we glimpse true beauty; and this may not just be physical beauty, for that is quite superficial.
"memories are elusive creatures, like butterflies. The more one tries to capture them, to put them on display, the more entangled one becomes in the net of one's remembrance." - Is it good to remember? Depends on what type of thing u choose to remember I guess.

Player

2009-02-03T21:58:00.003+08:00

Censored - too obvious content.

A day's thought

2009-02-02T19:37:00.009+08:00

"These were people who could not find meaning for their existence within their own lives, so they conjured up a power without, outside the world, which power, in their fever and their despair, they believed could supply that missing meaning" - Does this hit the nail on the head when referring to religion and blind faith? I believe it does. People preach reverence to a higher being, believing they can communicate with that being, in so making themselves feel accepted, loved, and 'complete', when in actual fact, such self-perceived acceptance is none other than the key of their own doing! Ironically speaking, we are the key to our own happiness. True, God is almighty and he exists, no doubt, but we must question whether we are devoted to the institution and its people, or the higher being. I believe there are many out there who go just for the people, and that is what makes them happier. (no offence, just a personal view) True, the stories in the bible are very interesting, I've read them myself, but I'll take them with a pinch of salt. Afterall, who wrote the bible? Who claimed the right to do so, and who decided to edit and revise it so many times? These questions are forgotten with routine, mundanity and time's passing.

A friend once asked me to clarify blind faith and true faith. Let me do so here. Blind faith is where u know there are faults, but choose to ignore them, claiming that faults will only strengthen one's faith. Such a self-delusional front is merely a persona worn to preserve a certain image, and I am quite against this. True faith however, is where one wholly believes in what he/she believes in, acknowledging the faults and knowing that no one religion is perfect. In spreading the word, a person with true faith will give both pros and cons of the religion, and will leave it up to the recruit to join, whereas a person with blind faith will just mouth the idealised advantages.

Secondly, I would like to talk about commenting on looks. I would never, NEVER, look down on anyone if they're not that good looking. I won't use the word ugly. Because if I hold a mirror up to myself, I'd dare say I don't have the right to judge others when I'm not even outstanding looking. Needless to say, it doesn't go that if one is super good looking he/she can have the right to look down on others - that would be the fastest way to lose friends I can assure you. Then again who are we to judge if we are good looking? It's for others to judge; one who thinks he is gorgeous may not be pleasing to others; so in conclusion what I want to say is, before commenting, look in the mirror first.

Jonathan's Promise

2009-02-01T22:12:00.006+08:00

For those not in Lit, do not ask me what promise Im making -.- I'm making a pun(not really) of a novel excerpt entitled 'Abraham's Promise', which I intend to quote here.

'Some things can only be learned, not taught ... Loving someone is good, a wonderful thing, but it makes you weaker, more vulnerable. You love your mother so the pain she suffers becomes your pain... You should love, you will love, you WON'T be able to stop yourself and you shouldn't try. Just will yourself to be strong enough to survive your love... Love, boy, it leads you to sacrifice.'

This long quote is so ownage that I felt I should note it down, lest I forget it in the future. First of all, it's not like we all don't know how to cook up such rational and straightforward theories. However, it is one thing to conjure quotes, and another to experience them in the context of a moving story. That is the feeling I want to retain with this quote - for those in lit and have read the excerpt you would know and probably feel the same way. Better, for those who have experienced the above, it would be a moment of memory, of self-reflection, of realisation/insight.

I have always thought that I don't want my wife to give birth next time, for I would never want her to feel pain, to get hurt, coz her pain will be my pain as well. But now all of a sudden, I ask myself, is that a sign of weakness? In not wanting to face such pain, would I be escaping from reality? In such an idealistic view, would I even be considering what my wife wants? I think I ought to respect her decision ultimately. What are your views?

Happy : )

2009-01-31T00:11:00.003+08:00

I feel happy! I just met an old friend today, totally coincidental. We just hit it off soooo well, like we were old pals! Was a delightful encounter. Assignments piling up, readings not done. Im not myself!
Friend told me about Hinduism. Advocates freedom in choice of following God, and that as long as the last thought before u die is of God, then u'll go to heaven. In a sense, I find this infinitely more 'pleasing' than some other 'cruel' religion. Religion is just a medium for acceptance of God, and sometimes this medium can be warped, cult-ified, or turned into propaganda. Sometimes people fall to the 'love-bombing' that is practiced, and when in an emotionally unstable state, join, and let the religion take over their lives. However, I'm STILL a free thinker/deist, so don't come lecturing me about religions if u don't want a piece of my mind.
There IS a difference between true and blind faith.

Another day of my life

2009-01-28T02:18:00.010+08:00

Enter cutest multi-coloured parrot ever on window sill.

Jon: (turns head slowly, smiles at cutest bird, and waves like an idiot) MOM! COME! (Says this in a restrained shout, afraid to scare bird away)
Mom: I can't! I'm drinking orange juice!
Jon: (Flabbergasted) Forget the orange juice! Come QUICK!!!
Dad: What is it?
Jon: A bird! At the window sill! COMEEE!!
Sis: (Squeals)
Cutest Bird: (pecks at glass, looking at me with inquisitive eyes, like saying hi) Chirp!

Family gathers in room.

Mom: Aiyo! It's a parrot!!
All: So cute!!
Jon: (Smirks)Maybe it means I'll pass with 'flying colours' in exams.
Mom: (ignoring me) SOOO CUTE! Parrots worth lots of money! Let's try to catch it!
Sis: (ignoring mom) Let's feed it!
Mom: My hand full of orange juice, feed what?(Before she finishes, sis rushes out to kitchen)
Dad: We should take a picture of it
Jon: On it. (takes cam phone to snap a photo) Walao, cannot see shit la, my phone sucks.
Mom: Angie! Where are YOU?! No need crush the seeds la, by the time you come back the bird fly away already!
Sis: (arriving with seeds) How to feed it? We must slowly advance and put the seeds on the inside first. Let the birdy know it's safe.
Jon: (slaps forehead) Like that'll work... the bird probably can't even see it.
Mom: Come la, I show u. Slowly open the window first. (mom and sis mimic snail movement to window)
Cutest Bird: (Hops anxiously from one end to the other of the ledge, staring with cautious eyes).
Mom: SEE LA! FLY AWAY ALREADY! WALAO, u waste time crushing the seeds for what? If you come earlier then can already.
Jon: (Lame look) Like it really matters... still fly away in the end right?
Sis: (very sad) Aww, I should have taken a picture of it, it was so cute! (makes cute sobbing sound)
Dad: (Laughs) So cute the bird!

Exit family.

Mom: (voice echoing outside) Parrots worth lots of money wan, especially those that can talk! Should have use plastic bag man...
Jon: (shakes head)

Science and Technology

2009-01-26T15:58:00.008+08:00

Compared with Western medicine, most of us will wonder in amazement where does Traditional Chinese Medicine(will use TCM for short) even come into play, or in fact, religion faith and culture. I'm going to say something absolute, something straightforward, and impactful. We are taking things for granted. Yes, all of us, including me. We live in this technologically enhanced world with everything backed up, done for us - with babies being innoculated against diseases, with life-threatening viruses paled away in history - that everything negative seems 'unlikely' to happen. We take things for granted that the western scientists with their advanced bio-technology can solve every kind of threat, but we are actually living behind a screen; one that filters out the REAL world out there. It's a constant fight against disease, and someday, we might lose. What really needs to happen, is(touch wood), for something drastic to occur; then people will be shaken out of their state of comfort and into panic; panic, from realization that we were so helpless all along, that without the struggling scientists' efforts we didn't stand a chance from the start, even against common influenza per say. When all hope is lost, when no helping hand is available, the 'outcasted' pillars of support like religion will kick in; probably this is the only time that people can appreciate such aloof, but endearing mediums of faith.

On another note, TCM can achieve what Western medicine can't at times. For example, acupuncture can block certain movements of limbs. It is mind-boggling to even think about how the Chinese managed to taste and classify every different herb and find it's use - to concoct prescriptions, to test them out, and even be successful. The tons of acupoints in the body - how did they discover them?! If we only put our perceptual sets and differences aside, and harmonize both sides of technology, then I believe disease will meet a foe to be reckoned with.

LAKSA's randomness

2009-01-25T14:45:00.007+08:00

DANG the laksa was unforgettable. To wake early in the AFTERNOON at 2pm with thick, creamy laksa flirtatiously patronizing ur nostrils is one of the best luxuries in life. The thick, grainy, laksa introduced a spasm of delight as it unleashed the different tastes so locked up by a night's(morning? considering I slept at 5am) sleep. First u get the sweet and creamy influx of coconut milk, blanketed by a spunky spice that tinges on sambal+macdonalds chilli(wtf). Then comes the sour aftertaste u get from sucking on lemon/lime, which so accentuates the spice when put in simultaneous succession, that ur hand will mechanically dip into the laksa and bring back a 2nd spoonful of that holy water. It's purifying; u can feel the warmth spread down ur throat and throughout ur body, with every tastebud and cell screaming for more, till that bowl is emptied and our poor eyes stare forlornly at the last remnants of what was once a volcanic lava pool, desperately hoping against hope that the emptiness is delusional - need I even mention the beansprouts, and chunks of fishcake/fishball/egg and thin, smooth, soft noodles?

On a second note, Happy New Year! Just the same old, New Year. I'm still hungry. Orange juice and meepok+pizza bread to the rescue! No kidding! One could seriously put on weight from what I just ate, or am eating, but considering breakfast was denied to me by pleasant dreams, I'd say it all works out to me still being 53kg.

I NEED to study! Haven't touched anything in a WEEK! Must go kill self nao. >_<

And you are?

2009-01-23T23:18:00.002+08:00

Ever wondered how names can suddenly change, yet the person we know is still the same? Today I just met a very old friend of mine, dating back to primary school days. She used a different name now, and somehow I felt so awkward calling her by that, that I didn't even call her by any name. I just started talking without addressing her lol. It's weird how names can create perceptual sets for us as well. What goes against this norm, would then seem awkward to us.
Similarly, with nicknames, they change the perceptual set of the original name. Some nicknames are nice, while others just aren't pleasing to hear; and to the person using it, it may seem warm and sincere, but to others, it may be offensive and embarrassing. I feel sometimes it's impossible to be fully sensitive and aware of everything around us. No one is perfect, thus let's not make hasty judgments or negative feelings about anything or anyone around us. Life is too short to harbour hatred, and by the time u realise it, time will have passed, and the opportunity to say "I care" will be gone forever. Thus now I would like to say "I care", to all my friends out there. Take care too, Jonathan. Cya~!

EMOOO

2009-01-22T19:47:00.004+08:00

Perceptual sets are interesting. I used to do lots of anagram solving together with a friend last time, but this time I couldnt see the link in HW111 tutorial. It's always intriguing to discover something new, and for a while I was quite hyped. Then it got boring, and my mind drifted off...

Why do people get emotional? I'm asking this because I like to emo as well lol. Listening to emo songs, watching emo movies (Doesn't mean i draw dark eye rings and cut myself, hell no). In a warped logic, liking to emo makes me masochistic LOL. I cry easily when I watch sad movies. I just can't control it... I'm quite sensitive to sad things. I cannot express in words my adoration and idolization of emo songs. In a sense, when we are sad or depressed, watching emo stuff actually makes us spiral deeper into sadness and amplifies the heart-ache? Or does it counter the feeling and make us think that we are more worthy of happiness than our condition asserts? I've no idea. When I feel sad, I'm oblivious to what actually goes on. It's hard to get around on our own, but somehow or other, if our mental perseverance is strong, we can endure it out. Time heals the wounds, but memories still stay... Oh well.

-I repeat - Ain't gona care so much anymore

Naughty Boys

2009-01-21T17:33:00.003+08:00

Hsien: Jonathan, this is a warning to you for skipping today's CB(C)801 lecture. Do you know the consequences of missing a lecture? You will miss out on one whole topic!

Jonathan: (Aside) Yea right. I can read up the notes on my own - pretty much what the lecturer does anyway. Feels good to leave at 2.40pm instead of 4.30pm!

Jonathan: Man, that lecturer doesn't know shit! He's just reading from the lecture notes and making the words seem more meaningful by slowly pronouncing them in an awkward emphatic tone that sounded like a frog trying to sing. It was unbearable. He read out the graph's axis names as if they were an elaboration of what it actually meant, but NOO, it's like me telling you my name when u ask where I stay.

Hsien: Tell me about it

Jonathan: How can I tell you when I can't even tell what he's trying to say?

Hsien: Fine, have it your way, but this will be the last warning you naughty boy.

Jonathan: (Brushes hair coyly, looks down, then looks up again with cat-eyes) Sorry, won't happen again! (Walks off with a defeated, deflated posture; but grins when back is turned. Wink wink ;) )

An altered state of consciousness

2009-01-21T08:47:00.003+08:00

= Sleep = the thing I lack most in this mundane life. Nooooooo, why do I sleep at 4am knowing I have to wake at 8am!? The reason for having slept so late being doing BLOG STUFF. Gawd. Lack of sleep renders complex thought process and functionability ineffectual, and I recall(for those who haven't heard it yet), that I alighted at Jurong East MRT and nearly exited the terminal before I realised I wasn't at Boon Lay on a day with 3 hours sleep. I know it's pointless, yet once I start doing something I wanna finish it! OMG I'm so bimbo la. But I, or WE, have gotten used to sleeping late I guess. It's a trend nowadays. Heck with the beauty sleep. Who needs beauty anyway! Though the days of sleeping at 3am and waking at 5am in army are gone, sometimes I do 're-visit' such days during holidays xD

Jonathan: It's inevitable
Hsien: It's too much for one man(woman?)
Jonathan: We should not waste our time in idle discourse!(Like what you're doing now)
Hsien: Ok, enough of Godot, I gotta go to school already. T_T Ciao~

SONGSSS

2009-01-20T13:02:00.002+08:00

Dear Jonathan,
Why do you like music so much? I just saw you at the free access lab playing youtube music out loud and not caring who gave a shit! How could you? You could have at least asked me to be there to listen as well. I LOVE music. I LOVE ALL music!!! Chinese, english, jap, korean, cantonese, (havent heard malay/indian before sorry). Since we're talking about the Romantic Period in 103, I believe this post will correctly associate these two genres with each other. Music has sentiment, the supernatural, spontaneity, the common and ordinary, everything! It tunes our feelings so much with the lyrics and rhythm that we become one with the music; and this is heightened by closing your eyes and really feeling the intricate, delicate strings of music, of each tone, accompanied with the vocal enunciation of words that carry so much meaning with the tune; it just makes you wanna drown in it, and forget everything. I love emo songs the best, as they really set u in a contemplative mood and bring back sad/fond memories. Every song has a story behind it as well, and im more into the emotional side of songs.
Lovely how songs can touch the heart-strings and throw us into a downward spiralling stairway of feelings and thoughts.
So, Jonathan, I believe our likings are similar. I am as like you as you are me; we are one? LOL holy shit this is getting weird. But sometimes you and I can be two separate entities, two body of thoughts. I would like to agree with you most of the time, but sometimes I just can't, it's not right. Sorry pal, but that's just how it is : )

Best Regards,
Hsien Jun

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious

2009-01-19T20:07:00.003+08:00

The title is a nonsensical word; so u can pretty much guess the genre of content that this post contains :P
Why do I even blog? Dear reader, notice I don't pen down everyday events, like waking up, walking to school, eating, sleeping in lecture(oops xD), and so on. Why do I omit such 'important' details u may wonder. Well, I assure you that it isn't UNintentional, which, for retardedness' sake, means I intentionally omitted it (zomg so lame). I am NOT interested in mundane stuff. Simply speaking, neither is Jonathan, the author of this blog. Now u may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about. Don't worry, I am wondering as well. This codswallop happens when you have nothing to write and try to come up with something, which is the main point of a blog - creation; and creation has to be new and interesting, not stale everyday routines, or slight modifications in that routine. Memorable events, thoughts and feelings, and lame stuff, will exist here.

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I could have another you in a minute
Matter fact [s]he'll be here in a minute, baby

You must not know 'bout me
You must not know 'bout me
I can have another you by tomorrow
So don't you ever for a second get to thinking you're irreplaceable

Nicknames

2009-01-19T13:03:00.005+08:00

First of all, I'd like to say I'm hungry. It's 1.03pm and my tummy has yet to carress any food (- . - what a way to start a post) -
I like to give nicknames to the things I like. I believe some of us out there love to do so as well. I feel it gives a personal touch to it and lessens the distance (perceived or actual) between the objects/people. For example, I like to call Charles Dickens 'Dicky man', and an ipod touch 'that touch touch thing'. !! I know some of you will be like, 'no way!!' But let me tell you: "WAY!" Yea, this does not only extend to books and objects, but people as well; however names will be confidential.

Jonathan: Unbelievable the things that we do, really.
Hsien: Or maybe it's just the things I do?
Jonathan: It really isn't THAT obvious, random boy
Hsien: Uhh.. thanks ah..

Once it's out, it's too late

2009-01-19T00:39:00.004+08:00

Haven't we all said something then live to regret it? Or live to regret not correcting the wronged impression at that time when we still had the chance? Sometimes I speak without thinking... and this has led to a lot of unintended misunderstandings, and also hurting of others' feelings. Some matters are easily clarified, others are not; especially when feelings are concerned. I guess that type of misunderstanding can never be cleared once started. Perhaps only with time can the truth be revealed - perhaps ten years later when "estranged enemies" meet then things can be cleared(like in the movies LOL) - that sometimes what we do, or do not do, can be all solely for someone? -

Been slacking this weekend, just felt no motivation at all to study, so I gamed from 11am to 2am, with brief readings of sparknote summaries in between breaks. Oh well, guess this sem will be the revival of my jc/sec sch life. Note that I don't specifically list any names in my entries. My thoughts and feelings are of a general philosophical scale, and even if I do direct them at anyone, names will be strictly confidential.

What are you trying to insinuate?

2009-01-17T04:43:00.007+08:00

When people get too clever, they tend to 'over-think' and see every possible sentence said as having insinuations and connotations, when in fact the innocent defendant doesn't mean a thing.
Self-conscious maybe? Or is it just an over-active mind trying to mask the mask it's already wearing?
Not everyone is evil out there. Not everyone is out to get us. Why does knowledge have to pollute innocence? Is there such a need to defend one's own rights at the expense of a blind fury against others? Is there a need to fear being misjudged or being in a shameful situation where one fears one is misunderstood to be fishing for compliments?
I think not. What does it matter? Is ego/pride that important?
I wonder if such things can even be controlled. But it's interesting to observe the different character traits.
I have tons of flaws too. A libra is flighty, dreamy, impractical and silly at times, and indecisive; but do i defend myself with an aggression or set up a hard shell to mask my inner weaknesses? No! Weaknesses let us realise that we are imperfect, and imperfection paves way for improvement. Hope people can do the same too and make the world a better and more peaceful place to live in.

It's amazing when strangers become friends, but its sad when friends become strangers

2009-01-16T02:03:00.009+08:00

Dear Jonathan,

Need I say anything more? School is taking up so much of my time... I cant have my social life, I can't meet you, I can't go out often, I can't... I just feel so trapped...And time isn't really kind on me either. I got 5.5 days left to complete 500 pages. HELP! I want to enjoy, I need to relax, but the circumstances are preventing this. I procrastinate my HW111 stuff, I haven't read Bleak House for a day... this is insane. But, I still know that I am happy, that I can do it; and though I complain and seem flustered, I actually don't let it get to me at all. Thanks for caring about how I feel, Jonathan I would like to know you better; give it some time : ) (But time is running out)

Best Wishes,
Lee Hsien Jun

Trivial Issues

2009-01-15T01:28:00.006+08:00

There's just so many spoilt/rude people on this earth, that it's tedious to even begin counting. Well, some people claim others lack tact, while they themselves are the ultimate brutes/unrefined ones(man the nerve and hypocrisy!). Well, it's only a matter of time before we see the true colours; and boy, I don't like one bit of what I have seen so far in my education life. But all in all, I'll still be myself; those people can do what they want, but it doesn't affect me anymore, simply because I just wash my hands off such people. If they wanna talk, I'll talk just like any normal friend would to another friend, and show equal concern as if nothing had happened, and probably that'll only make them feel worse for behaving so childishly with no effect. This is damn funny. Oh well, I've seen too much of this, and I jolly well know how to deal with it; and life goes on : D

Doesnt get any better than this

2009-01-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

Everytime you wake up, ask yourself, if this were to be your last day, what would you want most? What a way to give meaning to a nice dreary morning! How bad can things get, seriously; rather be happy than be sad right? Let's all thank our being so fortunate and stay happy! Whee!
Ain't gona care so much anymore-

Been there, done that

2009-01-13T20:14:00.007+08:00

For those who can't express themselves via words or feel comfortable doing so, they tend to diverge into other aesthetic ways of presenting themselves, like dressing up, or being extravagant. Other people express themselves via drawings and paintings, or writing; Today's Victorian Literature lecture inspired me to talk about this. In a sense, we should not be prejudiced against people who want other forms of attracting attention or feeling a sense of existence and meaning; but somehow or other, when we see those haughty chicks strutting about in an eminently swaggerish way fluffing their frills and decked in latest fashion, stockings, abnormally interesting boots, eyeliner/eyeshadow/fake eyelashes, we tend to get disgusted? I mean, to a certain extent it is bearable and even attractive, but over doing it is too much - they are trying to fill up the emptiness they feel by satisfying material wants - I think I'm being too harsh, but yea, some things just need the negativity. Oh and girls who smoke, give me a break, u're not even worth appearing on my blog.

I'm pretty bored with the mundane, and superficial life that we're going through right now. It is inexplicable how everything goes about the same, everyday, and there's just this feeling of emptiness. 'What is terrible is to have thought' - I totally agree. Innocence would render us totally oblivous to the philosophical aspects of life, and we wouldn't even question our existential meaning. True we have friends etc, but after everything, won't some of us ask ourselves: 'hey, I did nothing substantial today?' Oh and when I say superficial, reader, I mean those who go 'I cant stand looking at this person because he/she is sooo ugly'. I mean, it's ok to judge a person's look, but at most leave it at that, do not let it interfere. I'm ashamed to say I know such people(thankfully a minority), and I know people who know such people as well. We are all equally disgusted. I don't really care about such things; I don't bother to wear new clothes every single day or even change them on a frequent basis. What's the point of this shell? It's so fake seriously.

Just feeling random, and I type random things when I feel random. Random boy is random. Whatever~ Man, give me something interesting already; something out of this world. I guess I can only find that in novels, of which I cannot fully enjoy with time's imprisonment.

Going in circles

2009-01-12T23:07:00.006+08:00

Rith-rath, street rat,
I don't buy that.
If only they'd look closer,
Would they see a poor boy? No siree.
They'd find out, there's so much more to me~

Those who are astute enough will discern where this comes from. It's amazing how u may think you know the person, yet you are miles away from knowing him/her. Have you ever wanted to know a person so much more? Such an amazing movie... Why can't I concentrate? I'm so distracted and can't read in peace. Why am I even blogging? Am I escaping into my fantasy world again? While life is full of trouble and vexation, we stomach it; but I find it hard not to let it surface in my mood. To pretend I'm happy would just be a banal case of wearing a mask, like everyone else? I guess I'm stressing myself out too much. Sorry for not being a good friend at times.

Black and white,
Difference ever so slight.
Move from left to right,
Then u'll see the light.
Get what im trying to highlight?

Ponyo vs Jordan Witham

2009-01-12T12:29:00.004+08:00

Dear reader, judging from this random comparison you can see I'm the epitome of boredom. Why did I even bring these two together? Well, I guess it's to show how cruel or cruelly simple love can be.

Ponyo is a very heartwarming tale about how simple and innocent love can actualize, and the artist cleverly masks the realities behind the vibrant and cute images; but we all know how deceptively heart-wrenching that is for some of us -
- I know how u feel.

Jordan Witham on the other hand is this weird 20 yr-old guy who has been having sex with his car for 4 yrs, and is in love with it, preferring 'her' to women. Reader, Love is BIZZARE I tell you - physically and mentally, for poor Jordan - no doubt about it.

So, reader, which type of love do you prefer? Or would you rather be a misanthropist, a misogynist, or a feminist?

You don't know me

2009-01-11T21:39:00.008+08:00

Dear Reader, you don't know me. I know you don't, and you know i know you don't. As a matter of fact, I dont even know myself. There's just so many random thoughts going through my mind that I dont know what to write. I suddenly thought of Jane Eyre, and shall comment on it.

This poor girl, torn between two lovers - one who is so full of passion, and another who is so missionary-like that he is devoid of passion - has to make a choice. A very interesting thing that remains imprinted in memory is the way the sagacious Mr Rochester plays around with Jane. I can't believe what happens in real life actually materializes in the form of words in this archaic book, and many memories just flooded into mind. Why do people ignore the one they like? Why do people pretend they have likings for other people in front of the one they like? We know it is cruel, but we still do it(I'm guilty of it myself); Why?? It's human nature. Why do people even get jealous? I hate jealousy, and I made a personal promise never to get jealous. This in effect may turn me into a hypocrite, as the fact that I even need to make a promise deems me unworthy of being totally jealous free. Still, I hate it. If you like someone, you should have the sense that he/she should have the freedom he/she deserves. As the saying goes, you let someone go only because you love them. Human emotion truly is perplexing. Now before this gets any more didactical, I shall conclude with a quote.

-Memories hurt the most, especially when they're dear-

What title should I put?

2009-01-11T20:37:00.007+08:00

It's been 5 years since I started blogging again; Boredom is the mother of my blog. Guess I'd pen down thoughts and meaningful quotes here so I won't forget them next time; it's always useful and fun to look back at ur thoughts many years ago - hence the title: reminiscence. I don't believe in the 'Hey-all-of-you-come-and-tag-me' bullshit; this is just a low-profile diary for me. If you like it, that's good, but i wont force people to read or comment.

Songs are beautiful. When you're alone, they're another voice speaking to you. They represent the spectrum of thought that the mundane or banal cannot achieve, and this spectrum is in constant oscillation. Songs tune our imagination to fit their mood and rhythm, and I seriously can just get lost in them if not for the fact that I have a stupid 891-sexy-paged-book to read.

I don't wanna forget an interesting fact: Nemo actually means 'no one' in Latin. So the movie Finding Nemo actually means finding no one! How apt for a search and rescue mission for a fish . You gotta love Disney for his ingenious and subtle sarcasm/puns.

Nice quote:
To the world you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.