Thursday, July 8, 2010

After reading her blogpost twice, I am still indignant that she can say I never loved, trusted, respected, or treated her as an amaJING girlfriend. Truth is, I was even proud of her, and proud to let my friends know she was my gf, not minding what they said as in my eyes she was the best. I bet she didn't know that. I bet in her mind I'm just this guy who wants the perfect girlfriend and keeps shooting her down, when I was merely pointing out her faults to her, and even if she didn't correct them, I would still love her as much. If my tone was sharp or interrogative, I really didn't mean it. If she thinks that her friends know her better, then she can jolly well find her love there. In the end, it's never the same or as strong. If she happens to think outside her own world, or roll back our entire time together, she MIGHT see all the little things (I don't bother shamelessly mentioning; she should slowly remember them if they mean alot to her) that show the extent of my feeling toward her, and might realize at least that she's been treasured and has made a mistake. She also might see that I am in no way fully guilty of my suspicions (though guilty for flaring up in a VERBALLY nasty way, hence I am not acquitting myself of responsibility for my mistakes, though this time I had no opportunity to be there for her and apologize when we quarreled) as anyone else would feel the same on seeing her mistakes, that is if they actually see or experience them, not just hear of them. Moreover, my suspicions were mostly instigated. Who would blame someone else for nothing?
"You can be the original meek as a lamb or mad as a hornet personality. Yet neither of these is really a true reflection of your essentially harmonious nature." - I think this is true, as I never really mean what I spout in a fit of emotions to her in our quarrels; but I don't blame her for feeling hurt as how is one to know when I'm serious or not? I can only say sorry... But if she focuses mainly on how wronged or hurt she is without considering my POV, then I can't do anything as well. And when I try to reason and talk things out with her, she backs away from my interrogative tone, and claims that she tried (she did, but it wasn't really called trying) to talk things out when all she says is 'im not seeing you tmr or ever again'. If I was asking for assurance that she was earnest and that my commitments weren't for nothing, then her reply was bizzare and uncalled for. However she has the right to ASSUME that I don't love her at all. I can't stop her from thinking what she wants, and what she's compulsively gone so far to prove: that we're incompatible(?). If she thinks she can't take back all that she's complained about to her friends, then her pride will keep us apart.

It appears she is much less forgiving in comparison to me, who never once broke up on her/left her behind despite quarrels or an aching heart. Cannot everytime argue only break de... too impulsive already... the most just take a breather ma, need to make until so serious meh? Sigh. (it's not like she's the only one suffering all the time; whenever I flared up, it was because I was hurt and felt an unfairness in a situation or behaviour. I too needed assurance.) Perhaps the amulet she parted with was given to someone else who was very sure he loved her despite any quarrel or mistake, and not me whom she thinks never loved or trusted her. I currently feel so disappointed that she can be so psyched into thinking that she did the right thing in ending our 'didn't want it to end' relationship (I always stayed with her and was loyal no matter what) that she smses me monosyllabic things like 'NoPe' or doesn't sms me at all, that I don't feel like talking or committing (since she said in her blog that she never asked for extra commitments ...) to her for the moment as well. IF(please note that it is an 'if') she can overlook all the care and concern and love i showered on her (I have never overlooked her love and was always appreciative - even if I appeared to point out her faults in a nasty manner - especially of her cooking, and she should know it), and only choose to look at stressed up moments of flaring up, or calling my want of assurance and reciprocity in commitment as a pauper looking up to a prince, then I have nothing more to say other than good luck with finding another Perfect guy that can replace the chirpy, witty, chicky, gentle, unpretentious, sweet, loyal and loving, albeit over-sensitive, insecure, and occasionally jealous (not shameless; some of these are actual words she herself used) fruitbat for her. Sigh.