Saturday, July 10, 2010

Maybe we need time to mature and become more sensible and less easily stressed people. For now, I give up. She is 100 percent sure we can't be together, and when she has no hope or love left, then neither will I. Till I/we can find the feeling again, so long cwabby. I have loved you before and I didn't regret it.

ps.
I think only now have I actually thought about this trait of mine, where I put down faults of even my closest friends/loved ones. If it's wrong or immoral, I am impartial and unbiased, and will scold anyone if needed. However, I don't think this is only a Libra trait, as I see it in almost any guy friend I have. When angered, they scold without even considering whether they'll hurt or not. I guess we're all a little too serious at times...

TODAY, 11th July 2010, I suddenly realized that I could finally feel how hurt she must have felt. While gaming, a mistake I made roused sharp and intense scoldings and vulgarities from friends of mine (not the first time it occured, but I only thought about it today), and I felt hurt and betrayed and almost like a stranger to them (however, I always initiate a convo with them after some time has passed and everyone has cooled down, and surprisingly, none of them treat it like anything has happened/mattered before!! It's bizzare now that I think of it; it is as if that moment of flaring up was an alternate consciousness and was not to be taken seriously. This is how me and my friends maintain 8 year long friendships; we understand how to patch up). I felt like they hated me (but yet somehow, in the very depths of my heart, I knew we would still continue to be good friends), and I immediately felt my defense mechanism activate, creating an awkward, silent/hostile barrier between us. I told myself that a small mistake I made should not warrant such treatment from good friends; that they were too perfectionist; that they were taking minor things too seriously. How ironic that I myself was perpetrator of such ugly behaviour (though not as vulgar, but still with hurtful sarcasm or interrogative tones.) That very moment placed me in her shoes, and as I type this blogpost with whirling emotions I feel connected to her even though we're physically and emotionally apart now... I finally understand... but am not fully enlightened as I cannot accurately pinpoint what the problem is, nor find a solution for it (what I usually do when my friends scold me is casually say 'need to be so serious meh?'... other than that, I don't know already); I can only describe via experience that this is what happens, and is generally an uncontrollable(?), unintentional personality that has to be understood beforehand, lest immense hurt be felt. I have failed not only her, but myself for not seeing this earlier. I'm sorry that my most loved one had to experience this. I think she'd be better off without me.